As I was pondering this morning the different levels of the 2 Timothy 3 personality, I was reminded of an incident many years ago that was a perfect example of the covert tactics of a self absorbed individual. Someone who can make trouble when there is no trouble, merely to manipulate someone to feeling bad about doing good. Here is my story.
I was visiting with a family member, a woman whom I appreciated and even elevated at some point in my life, until many years later I realized what she was, then sadness overtook me when I discovered her covert tactics that had undermined a number of other relationships, while causing self doubt.
While sitting at this woman's table, she offered me a piece of pie. I was looking forward to the pie, told her how good it looked and accepted her offer of a piece of it.
As she was cutting the pie I noticed that she was cutting a very large piece, almost a quarter of the pie. I politely asked her if I could have half of the piece she was cutting, since I couldn't eat that much.
She looked at me with anger on her face, grunted a sigh of contempt as though I had done something wrong or terrible, after which she handed me the pie abruptly showing that she did not approve of my request for a smaller piece. I complimented her on how good the pie was and how much I enjoyed it.
Had this been the only time I experienced this I would have thought that she was having a difficult day and that the show of contempt had nothing to do with the pie but something else she was feeling.
However, I had already experienced many insignificant occurrences of this sort of contempt with her, I began to wonder what I was doing wrong. A sort of feeling of "death by a thousand cuts" enveloped me, causing me to analyze what was going on, throwing me into research on the subject of manipulation.
Years later after some important research of the attitude of manipulators, I realized that the pie incident and many others like it, was not a reflection of me as a person or of anything I had done wrong, but more about the controlling attitude of the person serving the pie.
Realizing that attempting to cause guilt over small matters was a ploy to demean into submission the one who did not bow to the whim of the narcissist.
Then came these thoughts that brought much insight into the mentality involved and what to do about it.
The woman who baked the pie was not interested in giving me a piece of pie that she thought I would enjoy. Her aim was to elevate herself through praise and adulation someone was expected to give over a very large piece.
Asking for a smaller piece left me in control of my own choices, while in her mind she was diminished by the request for a smaller one. Notice that I had praised her already for the good looking pie, that I was looking forward to a piece to enjoy, but in her mind it was not enough, I had to enjoy it her way, further praising her for the size of the piece.
The woman with the pie was acting irritated at me, even avoiding me the rest of the day, causing others in her presence to believe I must have done something wrong to hurt her. This became a regular tactic with her, the small things were often blown out of proportion to demean me.
The sad thing about covert manipulators is that they feign victim in the presence of others who believe the narcissist without really knowing what happened. These people are called flying monkeys. They are not concerned about the justice or truth of a matter, only that they take the side of the one who is angry to remain in the good graces of the manipulator.
When these events happen once or twice in a lifetime, we can dismiss them as someone in a bad mood that they will get over. However when these things happen over and over again on a regular basis, we can surmise that manipulation is happening, possibly over jealousy or guilt that the narcissist has in their own heart.
One of the main tactics of a narcissist is to ruin the targets reputation in the eyes of their flying monkeys while isolating the victim from others, through the lies and deceit.
The problem is that if we were to tell others about the pie incident and all the other covert things, it would make us look crazy and petty, they would then begin to avoid us while remaining friends with the manipulator.
It is not only not pleasant being around these people, it takes the grace of God not to react in kind. It has been my experience that any attempt to talk to narcissists about their actions, only leads to more and greater abuse.
I am thankful that God showed me that I never reacted in kind to those who have abused me, I am free of guilt over wrong doing. One of the things God made clear is that I cannot change another person, I can only pay attention to my own responses to injustice.
Proverbs 26:4-5
"4 Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Or you will also be like him.
5 Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
That he not be wise in his own eyes."
Luke 6:27-29
"27 "But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 "Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either.…"
Proverbs 4:14 "…13 Take hold of instruction; do not let go. Guard her, for she is your life. 14 Do not enter the path of the wicked And do not proceed in the way of evil men. 15 Avoid it, do not pass by it; Turn away from it and pass on.…"
2 Timothy 3:1-5 "3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2 For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, 4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these."
Romans 12:18-20 "…18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord. 20 "BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD."…"
Proverbs 12:16-17 "16 A fool's anger is known at once, But a prudent man conceals dishonor. 17 He who speaks truth tells what is right, But a false witness, deceit.…"
In these verses and many others we see that our response to injustice and rudeness is to never seek revenge, always treat with kindness those who treat us badly, do not argue or fight with abusers, they will only abuse more and blame you for it and if God leads, remove ourselves from unruly, devious and covert abusers.
Most of all stay innocent in our responses while praying for the abuser. No matter how much we are harmed, the most freeing is the ability to look at our own actions and see that we obeyed God in responding or not responding His way. We must seek God for each individual circumstance, each one may have a different path that God wants us to obey.
Lastly, never look at the responses of others, the abuser or the flying monkeys as a measure of our righteousness. The devil would have us believe we are evil when we have obeyed God, these narcs and their flying monkeys are being used by the devil to cause doubt about ourselves and what God told us to do and be.
Ephesians 4:26-27 "…26 BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity."
James 4:7 "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
Walk in the freedom of Christ to be and do His will, no matter who comes against you for it. The devil is ramping up his efforts to destroy believers in these end times. This is the reason I write so much about this phenomena of narcissism, it has increased, it is devised by the devil and has the ability to undermine a believers faith if they do not understand what is happening to them.
Go with God, don't allow the narcissists and their flying monkeys to determine our walk with Christ through their manipulative tactics. And, remember they are nothing more than pawns in the hands of the wicked one, the devil.
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