There is a very important principle that young folks do not understand today. This principle has to do with the "in-law" relationship when we get married to someone.
When we marry a spouse we no longer have one set of parents, we now have two. It is clear from the traditions of the Bible that we adopt into our hearts our spouse's parents, as though they are ours too.
When my husband and I got married we began calling one another's parents "Mom and Dad" just as if they were ours.
We did this because we had become one as a married couple and everyone who was important to our spouse was important to us. We loved our in-law parents the same way we loved our own parents.
We are seeing more and more, sadly, many married couples who drop their own parents in favor of their spouse's parents because the spouse will not place the same importance on their in-laws as they do on their own families of origin.
When we love someone we value whatever they value. When we love someone it matters that we enter into their lives just as they enter into our lives. When we marry our families of origin are not erased in order for us to have a marriage. Yes, we leave and cleve as the Bible says, yes we now make our own decisions as a couple but this does not mean that we do not value the advice of parents or that we no longer have anything to do with them.
While it is true that the extended family no longer has authority over us, this does not mean that they are expunged as though they no longer exist.
The mandate by God to honor our parents after we marry remains but also includes the parents of our spouses.
Exodus 20:12 " 12 Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you."
1 Peter 3:7
"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
Ephesians 5:33
"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
There is an honor for the wife, respect for the husband, and honor for one another's parents when we treat the extended parents the same way we would treat the parents we were born to, the ones who raised us.
After all, thinking in human rational terms it makes sense to honor the parents of our spouse, these are the people who raised and loved the one we married and love.
How would it be possible to claim we love our spouse while rejecting the people he loved all his life before he met us.
My husband and I were raised in very different environments, we didn't see them as a challenge to us personally as so many weak-minded young people do today. Since in our day differences are seen as a threat rather than something to enjoy and learn from, we have many young people treating their in-law parents as though they were not worthy of honor and respect.
As we move more into this apostate age of narcissism we are seeing the dishonor and disrespect grow exponentially. Young people do not respect their own parents let alone the parents of their spouse.
Since there is little respect for a spouse in our day it makes sense there would be no respect for the parents of the spouse.
Honor and respect mean we value those for whom we show these qualities. Honor and respect does not mean we agree with everything or even approve of every lifestyle, however, it means that we treat well those who we have adopted as our own no matter how they act.
There were times when I disagreed with my mother-in-law but I listened, didn't argue and even praised her at times for the things I did agree with, after all, I loved her son, she bore him, she cared for him and now he is mine to enjoy. She was not perfect, as none of us are, but she was worthy of honor regardless of our differences.
My husband treated my mother the same way, he never at any time said anything rude, raised his voice or even argued with her, neither did he do that with my father no matter what they said or did.
You see, it is not our place as adult children to evaluate our parents, instruct them or demean them for their habits, it is ONLY our place to love them, care for them when needed, and speak gently and calmly to them. It does not mean we have to remain silent all the time but when we speak we must speak in respectful tones giving defference to them.
Does all this sound unfamiliar in our day? It is unfamiliar because the standards of the Bible and God's Word have been rejected as the authority in the lives of many who call themselves Christian.
Many Christian adult children think they are honoring their parents by doing a few things for them. This is not honor. Honor is the attitude of respect given, valuing them as priceless, merely by the position the parents hold as the ones who sacrificed their lives for their children when they were being raised.
Here's the rub, even if you have a parent who is an alcoholic, a rude person, a liar, a thief, you do not have to endorse what they do but you must treat them with love in their presence. Mocking, demeaning, and withholding love is monstrous.
We can even speak through an attitude of love toward our parents the truth, but never from the position of superiority or pride.
When we love someone we weep over their flaws, we do not beat them down as far as we can to show them how superior we are, that too is monstrous.
Young people today often judge their parents for things they know nothing about. They see one thing they think they don't like and assume the parents are evil. Children often misinterpret things that happen between their parents because they do not have all the facts.
If the parents continue to have bad habits into the child's adult life we can say they might know what is going on, however, if they are basing their opinion about their parents on things they thought they saw as a child, this cannot be trusted since there is no possible way they can know the facts.
I have also seen many in-law adult children turn the spouse against their own parents out of jealousy, they cannot tolerate that their spouse loves someone other than them. They do not understand that we can love many people in our lives, but these selfish spouses want to be the only people in their spouse's life.
It is a sin to judge the parent's marriage, to insert themselves into the marriage to try to fix it and even worse if they reject one parent over another through false judging without all the facts.
Here's is the thing; Nowhere in scripture does God tell us it's alright to be disrespectful, dismissive, and rude if the parents do not measure up to the child's expectations, nor does it say to instruct a parent about their marriage. The job of the child is to love the parents and care for them in their old age, they are not told to instruct or rebuke their parents.
1 Timothy 5:1-2 "1 Do not rebuke an older man but appeal to him as to a father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.…"
In every instance, with all people, we are to treat others with respect but especially those who are older than us. It is arrogance and evil to chastise an older person with angst in one's voice or with the intent to appear superior.
In our day in which children are taught, they are equal to the authorities over them, they think they have a right to talk back and demean their elders. We are seeing more disrespect and disregard for elders than we have ever seen before. Many in our day think this is normal, but it is not normal in God's economy and is in fact demonic.
1 Peter 3:7
"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
This instruction for husbands to love and honor their wives can and does also apply to the elderly. The elderly are frail, alone, and possibly struggling, they are to be seen as valued vessels to care for delicately.
Having said all this I must say that there are situations in which the parents or in-law parents are destructive to your family and must be avoided. We must make our own family priority over the desires of the parents or in-law parents.
In-laws may influence your children against God and against you, in these cases, the parents or in-law parents who will not support you in raising your children to love the Lord through actively undermining your authority over your children must be avoided. However, if we must avoid them most of the time we must also be kind, respectful, and helpful when we are in their presence. After all, our Christian witness is at stake, all we do must reflect the love of Christ.
There is no place for jealousy, angst, superiority, or demeaning in the heart of a born-again believer no matter what anyone else is doing.
Galatians 5:22
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,"
The fruit of the Spirit of Christ must always be working in us, not of our own efforts but His work in us.
Matthew 7:15-20 "16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them."
Others will see Christ in us when He is the One working in us. If we find ourselves having to try real hard to have these character qualities then we are lacking them and must pray that God put them there for us. When we have them they come naturally without effort. We don't have to think to breathe or eat, neither should we have to work up the character of Christ when He does it in us.
Pray to be like Christ, pray that He gives us what we should have that we would not be working in our own effort to concoct our own idea of goodness. When we have His character qualities, they will be full of Him.
