For years the "Christian" communities I have been involved with had silly trite answers for these problem people, that was "just love them."
They had the foolish idea that we were to remain in relationships that are horrid because maybe at some point your kindness would change them.
I notice that the people who say these meaningless things are very often narcissists who have had admiration from everyone surrounding them.
Perhaps they think the people around them like them because they are so friendly and nice. As soon as we make a boundary with a narcissist their true ugly self comes out. The public-friendly superficiality they display is not their true self.
Those who have not encountered narcissists much in their life assume mean people are that way because they are hurting, this might be the case for some of them but in my experience, the narcissist was one who was praised all his/her life without restraints on them so they assumed all their life that everyone should praise them all the time. These people are contemptuous to anyone who does not praise them and downright combative when confronted with their sin. These are not people who will listen, they are fools as the Bible describes.
Proverbs 1:7, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."
These are the ones who want a trophy because they exist even when they have done nothing to earn it. They demand that we become like them, it elevates them if we act the way they do. They have no sense at all that someone else can be different in their thinking than they are, so they mock, intimidate and attempt to turn others against us to maintain their self elevated status in their own minds.
These people will never listen to God or ask for His wisdom why would we think they will listen to us.
Proverbs 1:22-33
22 “How long, you naive ones, will you love simplistic thinking?
And how long will scoffers delight themselves in scoffing
And fools hate knowledge?
23 Turn to my rebuke,
Behold, I will pour out my spirit on you;
I will make my words known to you.
24 Because I called and you refused,
I stretched out my hand and no one paid attention;
25 And you neglected all my advice
And did not want my rebuke;
26 I will also laugh at your disaster;
I will mock when your dread comes,
27 When your dread comes like a storm
And your disaster comes like a whirlwind,
When distress and anguish come upon you.
28 Then they will call on me, but I will not answer;
They will seek me diligently but will not find me,
29 Because they hated knowledge
And did not choose the fear of the Lord.
30 They did not accept my advice,
They disdainfully rejected every rebuke from me.
31 So they shall eat of the fruit of their own way,
And be filled with their own schemes.
32 For the faithlessness of the naive will kill them,
And the complacency of fools will destroy them.
33 But whoever listens to me will live securely
And will be at ease from the dread of evil.”
If we want to walk closely with Christ we must choose to be around Christians who truly Love Him more than they love themselves. We can expect foolishness from the world, but when it comes from those who say they are Christian we are commanded to remove ourselves from them. "Bad company corrupts good character", the pretender will attempt to bully us into being just like them. We have no influence over them, they will ruin us or try to do it.
We are called to peace, which means we get away from them. There is no peace for us when the narcissist is continually poking at us all the time. We do not influence them by becoming their punching bag. Over time if we do not get away they will weaken our resolve to walk with Christ through a continual emotional upheaval.
Ezekiel 33:9 "…8 If I say to the wicked, ‘O wicked man, you will surely die,’ but you do not speak out to dissuade him from his way, then that wicked man will die in his iniquity, yet I will hold you accountable for his blood. 9 But if you warn the wicked man to turn from his way, and he does not turn from it, he will die in his iniquity, but you will have saved your life."
Isaiah 26:10 "10 Though grace is shown to the wicked man, he does not learn righteousness. In the land of righteousness he acts unjustly and fails to see the majesty of the LORD."
The idea from psychology that says all one has to do is act real nice to a mean person and eventually, they will become nice like you is a monstrous and destructive way of dealing with evil people. It keeps the authentic believer from growing for all the turmoil the evil man brings to the relationship.
We have no power to change another person through the manipulation of "niceness." God must work on their heart. Suffering under the antics of the narcissist do not make us better people and it enables and encourages the narcissist to keep being what he/she is without restraint.
Sometimes we cannot get away because the narcissist might be a spouse or other family member, but we can learn the ways to respond or refrain from responding while distancing ourselves as much as possible.
Seek the Holy Spirit when you are about to make a decision about a relationship, He has the perfect answer and if you want Him to counsel you He will.
