Forgiveness is an attitude that provides the vehicle by which a relationship can be reconciled. It is similar to building a bridge. When someone has a forgiving heart, they are ready to extend forgiveness to those who want to be forgiven.
To build the other half of the bridge someone must want to be forgiven. If we act as though they are given forgiveness before they are wanting it we are only building half the bridge and there is no reconciliation, the other half of the bridge remains unbuilt.
God will not reconcile a person to Him until He wants to be reconciled. When someone does not want to be reconciled, does not want forgiveness or wants it without the desire to be changing their attitude or behavior, then the wall remains up in the relationship.
We are called to treat everyone with kindness whether or not they have changed when we encounter them. That is not forgiveness.
Forgiveness is expressly commanded to reconcile a broken relationship when both parties do their part, one person is repentant and one person is forgiving. If I say to someone "I forgive you", when they don't think they have done anything wrong, they will be angry and cause more trouble.
Luke 17:3 “"Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.”
As usual, many believers in superficial churches ignore the “if” in this passage, “if he repents.”
1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Here in 1 John we see that God does not forgive sins that are not forgiven. They are retained, until they are confessed. For the believer, God will withhold rewards in heaven and even experience the consequences in this life, of a prideful heart.
We have to allow people to go through the consequences of their sinful actions, let them feel the guilt, knowing how they have sinned, for them to experience a transformation.
Acts 17:30 “The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent,”
Proverbs 28:13 “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”
All too often the church teaches feelings oriented actions that make people feel better for a time, but are not helpful in healing the real problem and that is the problem of sin in the heart.
When we forgive before the time is right, before they are broken, then we shortcut their Christian growth and cause misunderstanding about God's forgiveness.
Our modern church already believes no one has to be broken or sorry and God will just accept them, because people in the church are operating this way. Sin has grown in the church because most people act business and happiness as usual even when someone wrongs them.
There is no need for repentance, growth, confessing or anything else because many have chosen to do the easy thing and forgive before repentance. People are not only NOT growing in the church because of this wrong belief, they are flaunting their sin and becoming incensed when confronted with their sin. Relationships in the church are more superficial than ever before and almost worthless in fostering holiness.
If we love others we will desire for them to realize their sin, repent and confess so that they can more fully live their Christian life for Christ in holiness.
Forgiveness is not for the purpose of our own conscience or growth, it is for the sole purpose of reconciling relationships through spiritual growth.
The purpose of relationships in the Lord is to challenge one another to greater levels of holiness and spiritual growth. Our purpose should never be just to remove guilt and sadness, our purpose is to help one another grow through realization of our failings while rejoicing when this happens.
It does not necessarily follow that when we cannot pass our forgiveness to someone, we will become bitter. Just the opposite the entire time we are praying for reconciliation God’s way, we are hoping and waiting for God to work in the hearts of those who will not repent or change their ways.
When we think in terms of forgiveness, we have to stop thinking about our own feelings or even the feelings of the other person. We have to start thinking of the value of repenting and forgiving God’s way.
We have to start realizing that spiritual growth and genuine reconciliation is much more important than feelings or a quick resolution to conflict.
Fast food theology has left us with an impotent Christianity that prevents growth and promotes ineffective superficial relationships that cannot stand the test of conflict or life struggles.
We say forgive louder than any other time in history and we have more divorces, more rebellious children, more disobedience of every kind and less kindness than ever before. We have not become more forgiving we have become more tolerant, with no lasting growth results.
James 4:8-10 “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.”
Acts 8:22 “Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.”
As is usual for our narcissistic culture we tend to caudle the unrepentant, and bludgeon the one who calls someone to repentance. We call for repentance on the part of the one who obeys God in requiring repentance and forgive those who have no sense of sorrow over sin, in their hearts. This is backwards.
No one will be able to give me any Scripture that says that we are to forgive others so that we do not become bitter, that is a lie from hell, to manipulate believers, making them fearful of keeping one another accountable.
We cannot always reconcile with others, sometimes the unrepentant heart forbids it.
Matthew 18:15 “"If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.”
When we see that there cannot be reconciliation, then we must draw back and pray for the Lord to soften the heart of the offender, never just sweeping it all under the rug hoping it won't leave a lump in the carpet to be tripped over later.
The sin must be confessed, swept away by the Blood of Christ and eliminated. Then the broken relationship will be fully mended, even stronger than it was before the offense.
