How do narcissists become narcissists?
Mankind is born with a selfish streak, it is only Christ Who can take it out of them. However there is an increase in this problem of selfishness in our day, so much so that it is difficult to find those who understand what unselfishness looks like.
It has been my observation that far too much praise while parenting a child, can bring on attitudes of superiority and competitiveness.
When a child is told continually how wonderful they are, they begin to believe they are better than everyone else. It is normal and natural to tell a child he did a good job, but to continually do it for small matters when he/she is expected to do the job, is not helpful. We need to learn to do things well without constant praise. A job well done should bring enough joy that there is no need for others to fawn all over us.
Praise in our culture is almost a habit, "good job" is given out for everything. The children seem to expect it all the time for everything.
Another problem that creates a sense of entitlement, is the practice of what I call "letting the child run wild." When children have no rules or boundaries that they are expected to follow, they grow up being resentful toward those who expect things from them, they resent the standards that others might require. We see children dictating to parents often now, the parent shrinks under the mighty tantrum of the child.
In marriage the narcissist expects to have whatever they want without consideration for others in the household. They also demonstrate an irritation when asked to help with things. These people expect to be considered but do not like considering anyone else.
An undisciplined child who is left to always make their own decisions without accountability will become enraged in a marriage after they become adults. When they are expected to help, even resistant to helping without having to be asked when it is clearly seen that there is a need for help. These people require a request for help, as though we should state everything clearly to obtain any assistance, then they show irritation that they were asked.
A mature and kind adult should not have to be asked for help when everyone can see the need. They simply jump in and make themselves useful without anyone having to tell them.
If a mature adults sees a need but is not sure if their input would be helpful, they offer to help in case helping would make the ordeal more burdensome.
It is the narcissist who walks right on by an old lady struggling with packages, or ignores the man on the street who is having a heart attack, after all, they think it is not their responsibility. The lack of empathy and kindness is staggering with these types.
The narcissist does not like to help because they must be the center of attention. Being the second man out does not appeal to the narcissist, they must be the one in charge or they don't want to play the game. They feel a need to be begged, when they are begged they show displeasure at the request, nothing is pleasant when the narcissist is around.
This mentality reminds me of the child who invites someone she dislikes to her birthday party just so her devalued friend can see her ignoring her.
Those children who grew up in homes where they were always the center of attention and who were indulged in continual adulation, are the narcissists we encounter today. The reason I am convinced of what I am saying is the dramatic increase in selfishness in our culture today, after the children of the '70's were raised on an overdose of self esteem, they grew up to be the selfish and narcissistic adults we must endure today.
The parents of these over indulged children, were not this selfish growing up, they were not allowed to be, but as they raised their children according to the cultural teaching in the schools, they became this way themselves. After all, we don't teach things to our children we don't believe in. The children of the '50's demonstrated better values, but as they were indoctrinated by the culture, they began to raise their own children on the indulgent standards of the schools in the '70's.
Proverbs 29:15-16 "15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother. 16 When the wicked increase, transgression increases; But the righteous will see their fall.…"
1 Corinthians 15:33
"33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
We have seen an increase in elder-abandonment, snarky language toward elders and a resistance to correction or instruction. This generations view of life is wrapped around the idea that they must have what they want, when they want it and without any challenge to their attitudes, thoughts, ideas or actions.
In short, these people who display the maturity of a six year old, are in the government positions today, and the parents raising the children of our next generation. Frankly, it frightens me to see all this, when I once knew of a time when this was not the case. There has always been an element of narcissism in our culture, but it was the "crazy fringe", that openly operated this way. Now normal reasonable people are the crazy fringe, at least in our region. "Back in the day", most people were taught to be reasonable and kind, those who were not, hid it to be accepted by the culture.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 "3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2 For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, 4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these."
This is a hard time for believers in our country, who understand what love looks like, who have been deeply invested in empathy toward others. We know what real love looks like, we are in a state of shock and disbelief over what we see every day.
Revelation 22:11-13 "…11 Let the unrighteous continue to be unrighteous, and the vile continue to be vile; let the righteous continue to practice righteousness, and the holy continue to be holy.” 12 “Behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give to each person according to what he has done. 13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”…"
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Only Christ is Good!
Believers don't think they are better than others when they walk with Christ. They know they are not good, only Christ is good.
We have no desire to make others worse than us to feel superior to them.
Believers in Christ desire that all people would trust Christ and let Him be their goodness.
Galatians 2:20 "20 I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. "
We have no desire to make others worse than us to feel superior to them.
Believers in Christ desire that all people would trust Christ and let Him be their goodness.
Galatians 2:20 "20 I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. "
Feelings Lie To Us
I have said in the past that we need to allow ourselves the feelings, even cry if needed, it's a release mechanism that God gave us.
However, we should not base our actions on feelings because they are not accurate. Sometimes they make us think things are bad when they are good, or that they are good when they are bad.
Feelings can be very inaccurate, we need to evaluate the situation that brought on the feelings, to see if the feelings are coming from the standpoint of reality. Feelings are nothing more than an automatic response to our perception, they need to be addressed while analyzing the actual events.
"This is how I feel, and this is what actually happened."
The devil wants nothing more than to accuse and diminish his targets. The more we agonize over not being loved by man, the less effective we can be for Christ. We may even sin to relieve the pain or lash out to stop the abuse. The devil knows our frailties, but Christ is our strength.
Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
There have been many times narcissists make us feel as though we were stupid for doing something kind. We "feel bad", that perhaps we were just a stupid person, it is not at all accurate. The reality of the situation is that others manipulate our perception to demean us, fostering a sense of worthlessness in us, it is their tactic in an attempt to control us. Somehow narcissists feel superior when they can make others inferior.
There have also been times when our association with narcissists would leave us feeling small or insignificant, the goal for them was to make sure we knew we were nothing in their eyes.
The feeling of insignificance is not accurate, it is merely an inner reaction to the gaslighting of the narcissist. The attempt on their part to guilt us into thinking we were insane, to stop our resolve in exposing evil or enlighten with the truth.
When we have given a gift, a narcissist will minimize that gift to create feelings of foolishness in us, our feeling of worthlessness or foolishness is only a reaction to their evil tactic, it is not truth.
When we focus on "facts" rather than the feelings, the narcissist no longer has power over us. When a narcissist attempts to show us our worthlessness by non-responsiveness or the silent treatment, we can assign those indulgences of theirs to the actions of a five year old having a tantrum, it has nothing to do with us, but everything to do with their own infantile purpose of hurting the one they wish to control.
When we allow Christ to control us, the narcissist will have no power over us, they will destroy relationships, but they cannot destroy us.
Proverbs 28:1-2 "1 The wicked flee when no one is pursuing, But the righteous are bold as a lion. 2 By the transgression of a land many are its princes, But by a man of understanding and knowledge, so it endures.…"
Expect these covert and even overt tactics frequently as we move through these end times of rebellion and contempt for Christians. The hatred toward believers is ramping up, the more we want to honor Christ, the worse narcissists will become.
When we have found ourselves goaded into responding badly, don't beat yourself up, confess it to God and continue to stand your ground. Narcissists love nothing better than to cause us to sin, leaving us guilty, it causes glee in them. It also causes them to become worse, when they see that they were able to get us to do the very things we hate to do, that is respond in kind.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 "3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2 For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, 4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these."
1 John 1:9 "9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
Why do we avoid the narcissist as described in 2 Timothy 3:5? The reason is that their evil intent can cause us to sin against God. We may respond in anger or if we hang around them too long we begin to use the same tactics that they use.
1 Corinthians 15:33
"33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
Matthew 5:30 " 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to depart into hell."
However, we should not base our actions on feelings because they are not accurate. Sometimes they make us think things are bad when they are good, or that they are good when they are bad.
Feelings can be very inaccurate, we need to evaluate the situation that brought on the feelings, to see if the feelings are coming from the standpoint of reality. Feelings are nothing more than an automatic response to our perception, they need to be addressed while analyzing the actual events.
"This is how I feel, and this is what actually happened."
The devil wants nothing more than to accuse and diminish his targets. The more we agonize over not being loved by man, the less effective we can be for Christ. We may even sin to relieve the pain or lash out to stop the abuse. The devil knows our frailties, but Christ is our strength.
Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."
There have been many times narcissists make us feel as though we were stupid for doing something kind. We "feel bad", that perhaps we were just a stupid person, it is not at all accurate. The reality of the situation is that others manipulate our perception to demean us, fostering a sense of worthlessness in us, it is their tactic in an attempt to control us. Somehow narcissists feel superior when they can make others inferior.
There have also been times when our association with narcissists would leave us feeling small or insignificant, the goal for them was to make sure we knew we were nothing in their eyes.
The feeling of insignificance is not accurate, it is merely an inner reaction to the gaslighting of the narcissist. The attempt on their part to guilt us into thinking we were insane, to stop our resolve in exposing evil or enlighten with the truth.
When we have given a gift, a narcissist will minimize that gift to create feelings of foolishness in us, our feeling of worthlessness or foolishness is only a reaction to their evil tactic, it is not truth.
When we focus on "facts" rather than the feelings, the narcissist no longer has power over us. When a narcissist attempts to show us our worthlessness by non-responsiveness or the silent treatment, we can assign those indulgences of theirs to the actions of a five year old having a tantrum, it has nothing to do with us, but everything to do with their own infantile purpose of hurting the one they wish to control.
When we allow Christ to control us, the narcissist will have no power over us, they will destroy relationships, but they cannot destroy us.
Proverbs 28:1-2 "1 The wicked flee when no one is pursuing, But the righteous are bold as a lion. 2 By the transgression of a land many are its princes, But by a man of understanding and knowledge, so it endures.…"
Expect these covert and even overt tactics frequently as we move through these end times of rebellion and contempt for Christians. The hatred toward believers is ramping up, the more we want to honor Christ, the worse narcissists will become.
When we have found ourselves goaded into responding badly, don't beat yourself up, confess it to God and continue to stand your ground. Narcissists love nothing better than to cause us to sin, leaving us guilty, it causes glee in them. It also causes them to become worse, when they see that they were able to get us to do the very things we hate to do, that is respond in kind.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 "3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2 For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, 4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these."
1 John 1:9 "9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
Why do we avoid the narcissist as described in 2 Timothy 3:5? The reason is that their evil intent can cause us to sin against God. We may respond in anger or if we hang around them too long we begin to use the same tactics that they use.
1 Corinthians 15:33
"33 Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
Matthew 5:30 " 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to depart into hell."
Without Confession there is no Growth
James 5:16"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."
Why are we not seeing spiritual growth in most Christians? I believe it is because this passage of Scripture is being violated continually, "Confess your faults one to another."
There can be no change in us when we will not admit our sin. When we justify our abusive nature toward others, while blaming the victim for our abuse, we will only regress in our walk.
Families are breaking because haughty rebellious members refuse to admit the harm they do against others. They make up reasons to continue in contempt to be able to feel justified in their abuse, without evidence. The most damaging tactic of these people is to refuse to listen and refuse to express themselves.
Living in a state of secrecy, is not only not of God, it is the catalyst that the devil uses to destroy families. The devil uses lies in secret to ruin innocent people.
God is for openness, genuineness and honesty. The authentic believer loves openness and resolving things. The evil man loves secrets, lies and hiding.
Authentic Christians are able to accept the thoughts and feelings of others while sharing openly their own. There can be no relationship based on secrecy and pretense. Sadly those who operate in secrecy and pretense will also operate with God this way. These people will be like the man mentioned in the Bible, "thank you Lord that I am not like those others."
Anyone who refuses to be authentic and genuine will not grow, but in fact will regress and perhaps are even still lost. One of the first thing the Holy Spirit convicts a new believer of, is their phony persona, the fake self. Openness and honesty is sought after when we have been born again.
Without truth and love we cannot progress in holiness.
Ephesians 4:15
"15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,"
John 17:17
"17 Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth."
John 4:24
"24 God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”
We cannot possibly worship in Spirit and in Truth, if we are operating in pretense and secrecy.
Do some not understand that God is seeing everything they are hiding? Do some not understand that a phony persona of perfection is seen by God?
Impressing men is nothing, God sees this and is disgusted by it.
John 12:42-43 "42 Nevertheless, many of the leaders believed in Him; but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue. 43 For they loved praise from men more than praise from God."
Why are we not seeing spiritual growth in most Christians? I believe it is because this passage of Scripture is being violated continually, "Confess your faults one to another."
There can be no change in us when we will not admit our sin. When we justify our abusive nature toward others, while blaming the victim for our abuse, we will only regress in our walk.
Families are breaking because haughty rebellious members refuse to admit the harm they do against others. They make up reasons to continue in contempt to be able to feel justified in their abuse, without evidence. The most damaging tactic of these people is to refuse to listen and refuse to express themselves.
Living in a state of secrecy, is not only not of God, it is the catalyst that the devil uses to destroy families. The devil uses lies in secret to ruin innocent people.
God is for openness, genuineness and honesty. The authentic believer loves openness and resolving things. The evil man loves secrets, lies and hiding.
Authentic Christians are able to accept the thoughts and feelings of others while sharing openly their own. There can be no relationship based on secrecy and pretense. Sadly those who operate in secrecy and pretense will also operate with God this way. These people will be like the man mentioned in the Bible, "thank you Lord that I am not like those others."
Anyone who refuses to be authentic and genuine will not grow, but in fact will regress and perhaps are even still lost. One of the first thing the Holy Spirit convicts a new believer of, is their phony persona, the fake self. Openness and honesty is sought after when we have been born again.
Without truth and love we cannot progress in holiness.
Ephesians 4:15
"15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ,"
John 17:17
"17 Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth."
John 4:24
"24 God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”
We cannot possibly worship in Spirit and in Truth, if we are operating in pretense and secrecy.
Do some not understand that God is seeing everything they are hiding? Do some not understand that a phony persona of perfection is seen by God?
Impressing men is nothing, God sees this and is disgusted by it.
John 12:42-43 "42 Nevertheless, many of the leaders believed in Him; but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue. 43 For they loved praise from men more than praise from God."
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