Peace Maker or Peace Keeper

Written and posted back in 2010

As I pondered today, situations that I have encountered over the past few years, I was struck with the fact that so many people in our families and churches have succumb to the belief that godly peace is something we manufactured in our flesh to keep others happy with us.

In an effort to keep everyone happy we have minimized the scripture to the level of "feel good reading, when life is hard" rather than the source of wisdom for the living of our lives. When the Scriptures are not taken seriously, any good book on happiness will do for us.

This reminded me of an article I once read, that differentiated between the "peace keeper" and the "peace maker." I was intrigued by the title of the article because it seemed to practically scream out at me, "this is what you have been seeing, but couldn't put into words." So I read the article and was pleased to discover that I had been observing in relationships, whether in church or in family, just what God had been saying to me and now confirmed in writing by someone else. Sometimes we don't trust the inklings of the Holy Spirit, when we feel we are the only ones aware of the problem.

First let's see what a peace keeper looks like in terms of actions, then we will be more able to discern the attitude involved in peace keeping. The peace keeper is someone who seeks to smooth things over when a wrong has been committed. They pride themselves in keeping everyone feeling good and happy, while at the same time wining friends.

Peace keepers are hopeful that the problem will go away on it's own and then everyone will get over their hurt and be friendly to one another again eventually. Neglect never is a solution to a sore or injury in physical terms, why would we think that it would be a solution in emotional or spiritual terms? Not to mention that it is unbiblical.

The use of flattery, is one of the main technics of a peace keeper. They think if they flatter in some way, the truth will not be exposed about them. What does God say about flattery? Proverbs 29:5 says "A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet."

I know a woman, we will call her Zelda, who was so much of a peace keeper that it was difficult to hold a conversation with her. When she visited with anyone, she would continually nod her head in agreement with an occasional "oh yes" to show that she was listening. Once in a while during the conversation, if one could call it that, she would get real chatty and say, "that's nice." It was like pulling teeth to get her to offer a comment longer than two words or an actual opinion about what was being said. I wondered if there was anything happening inside her head. If this had been only one encounter with her over a life time of visits, I would have thought something was on her mind, or that she was overwhelmed with another concern. I had encountered this woman several times myself and watched her with other women too, so I knew that it was not just me, but a pattern in her life.

Zelda, never confronted anyone about anything. Everyone loved her because she was like their faithful dog, Bowzer, who just accepted whatever anyone said or did without The challenge. She laid at their feet offering nothing but friendly short platitudes and adoring looks. She was the first one other ladies flocked to when they had a problem and needed someone who would listen, but remain silent and accepting. Her face was frozen in a permanent smile as her head swayed to and fro in total agreement with all that was shared.

Zelda was very careful to come across as in agreement, no matter what was being said. One day something unusual happened that confused me. Zelda was not herself that day. I witnessed her blow up in anger at someone who had confronted her about a sin in Zelda's life. Zelda shrieked in anger, stomped off while shouting as she left the room that she never wanted to see or speak to this woman ever again. Wow! What happened to our mild mannered shrinking violet?

From the book "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse
" we find this quote, "For some, healing has been short-circuited: Jesus' precept, 'the truth shall set you free,' has been replaced by man's precept, 'to be nice is better than to be honest' and 'keep (false) peace at all costs."

This is entirely unbiblical.

Zelda, having been confronted about an offense she had committed against this woman, seemed to not be able to handle criticism to such a degree that she was willing to lose a friend to maintain her facade. She had evolved instantaneously from that dog eyed adoring puppy into a ravenous wolf. How could this be? Perhaps Zelda was never the adoring puppy dog at all, but inwardly has always been the wolf in sheeps’ clothing. Perhaps that waving head and sweet smile were nothing more than acting.

Once the play acting was over and Zelda's inner being was discovered, she now was impervious to spiritual growth as long as she was too prideful to admit her sin and be reconciled to those she had wounded. Her "peace keeping" was not so peaceful after all. It was only peaceful until she had to be accountable in some way to others. Then all that peace keeping unfolded into a war that would cause more devastation in the lives of others.

Peace keeping promotes a spirit of deception and lying. Showing forth a face of kindness to convince others that we are a spiritual person, is lying. Pretending to love, when we really are indifferent to the needs of others is the worst kind of fakery. We can get others to trust us and then use what they have said against them later, or worse, use what they have said to manipulate them into serving us in some way, even if it is only our egos that are stroked. This is spiritual blackmail.

Peace keepers lack integrity, they are self absorbed while attempting to deceive others into thinking they are deeply concerned. The concern does not reach a depth greater than the end of their lips. They withhold information for the purpose of maintaining their personal appearance. They do not say what they mean and they do not mean what they say. They are in a sense hiding themselves for their own advancement.

Another very disturbing trait of the peace maker is their uncanny ability to cover-up the sins of the people they like. I say like instead of love, because it is not loving to cover up the sin of an unrepentant person. It is not love of the sinner and it is not love of the victim.

There are rare occasions when the peace keeper may point out a flaw in another person, but only to defend themselves when they are approached about their own sin. The focus is still themselves.

In short, the peace keeper is playing a role, they are not authentic, they appear warm and gentle on the outside, but inwardly they are deceitful and contentious. They leave a wake of frustrated people where ever they go.

I knew of young woman we will call, Bunny, who was so jealous of another woman that she concocted lies and exaggerations about the object of her jealousy to the point where the victim lost friends and family, who believed the lies. Her tactics were to distort the events to the point that they were barely recognizable. This woman too, was a Zelda type, always appearing to others as the victim, when she was the perpetrator. When confronted with her sin, she, like Zelda, stomped off and isolated herself from anyone who required her to be accountable.

Had Zelda and Bunny reacted with humility and sadness at the discovery of their sin, we could have concluded that they were truly sorry for the trouble they had caused. But since there was violent anger, we can be sure there was guilt also. When a person is humble, they are embarrassed, not mad. When a person is not guilty, they are humble and not angry.

The explosion of anger in Zelda and Bunny was evidence that they were guilty and would fight in an effort to convince others they were not guilty when they knew they were. It is also an attempt to make the accuser look like the bad guy.

The peace keeper does not seek God honestly for their direction, but for justification of their sins. They may even use scripture to support and validate their sin, but it is taken out of context and misused.

The peace-keeper is a person who seeks to smooth things over for superficial peace that does not only mask the problem but exacerbates it in the long term, causing greater turmoil. As an author once stated "throwing a rug over a gasoline spill next to the fire only causes an explosion. Would we cover cancer with a band-aid, or a gapping head wound with a cap.

The peace-keeper relies entirely on their own desires and feelings, to evaluate life and friends. They are almost entirely motivated by self interest. This is a picture of a narcissist and a manipulator. In short, they do not make peace, they create devastation by ignoring God's principles of friendship and resolution of problems, to maintain an appearance. When that appearance is exposed as a sham, then they must put out of their lives anyone who knows the truth, rather than repenting.

Zelda is of this sort, she never offers lasting help to anyone. She never instructs, corrects, rebukes or teaches. She is nearly worthless in terms of a valued friendship to anyone.

Zelda would put a band-aid over cancer. She would pretend there wasn't a gapping wound in your head that needed stitches, but would help you on with your hat to keep the blood off her floors while pretending that it was to help you. Or worse yet, she would shout at others to come and help with something that she could have done. Doing, being and saying nothing is the trademark of the Zelda's of the world. If they say, do and be nothing, then in their mind they can be accountable for nothing.

Our church culture as a whole are peace-keepers. They look to the fast food fix, the quick easy answers and those that are pleasurable. In short, our church culture does not care deeply about people, but only about enjoyment materialism and financial gain.

After all the bad news concerning the peace-keeper, we need to reflect on the principles of the peace maker.

Peace makers desire a cure to the problem and are willing to walk the hard road to get to the place of safety.

The peace maker desires to do things God's way. They seek the scriptures for His principles to address the problems of life. They are deeply concerned about the well being of others. They are more concerned about the long term affect of a matter rather than immediate happiness.

If we love God first we will not fear mans' reaction to God's standard. We are merely the messenger who brings God's word for the solutions. When we will not speak the truth, we doom the hearer to a life of superficial phoniness that leaves them spiritual and emotional babies.

God says "By this we know if we love the children of God, when we love God and keep His commandments." God's command to love our brothers is summed up in loving God's commands. The most valuable things we can do for our brothers and sisters in the Lord is to LOVE HIS COMMANDMENTS. If we claim to love our brethren but do not love God's commandments, then we do not love our brethren.

If we love God's commandments then we will use them to instruct our brothers and sister in the Lord. We will hold fast to them and plead with our family to follow what God says.

God has given us the ten commandments as a guideline for knowing His will.
When we are peace keepers, this is what we do to the commandments of God:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

If we are a peace keeper we violate this commandments, because we are placing the approval of people above God's commands.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images.

When we are a peace maker we are creating an image of God in our minds that is not truth.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of they God in vain.

When we are a peace keeper, we are emanating an air of godliness that is not true, we call ourselves Christians but do not find God's word sufficient for all things, then we are vainly using His name as ours.

4. Keep holy the Sabbath.

When we dishonor God in peace keeping, we are not concerned about holiness at all, let alone true worship. We can not
worship what we don't know.

5. Honor thy Father and they Mother.

When we live a lie, based on selfish ambition we dishonor our parents with our lives.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

God says when we hate our brother, it is the same as murdering him. When we are more concerned about our personal comfort and being accepted than we are about God's truth, we are hating our brother.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

When we place other things and people above God we are committing adultery against Him.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

When we are peace keepers we are stealing the truth from our brother, keeping it from him that which would help him.

9. Thou shalt not lie.

When we are peace keepers we are telling a lie. We display loving kindness, when deep inside we have no love for others, only for ourselves.

10.Thou shalt not covet.

When we are peace keepers we are coveting the admiration of others rather than promoting the worshiping of God.

When we are peace makers this is what we do to the commandments of God.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

We love to honor God above everything and everyone else, he gets all the glory while we serve Him and others.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images.

We do not place our trust in images made by human hands. We place the needs of others above our own desires.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of they God in vain.

We live a life dedicated to making God look good. We quote Him, we thank Him and we worship Him.

4. Keep holy the Sabbath.

We desire to worship with others collectively, keeping the day set aside for Him.

5. Honor thy Father and they Mother.

We have a deep reverence and love for our parents.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

We do not murder, nor do we hate. We love our fellow man to the point of self sacrifice

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

We do not betray a loved one. We honor those who love God.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

We do not take what is not ours and we do not have a sense of entitlement to anything. All things belong to God.

9. Thou shalt not lie.

We do not manipulate or lie to get our way.

10. Thou shalt not covet.

We do not want what others have, we are not jealous of others.

It must be said that all of us break the commandments regularly if only in our hearts. But as we grow closer and closer to the Lord, the more we hate dishonoring God. We hate the sin that we find in ourselves. We confess it and God begins a work of cleansing us. God will not do the work of cleansing if we will not confess.
How do we shed the life of peace keeping and become a peace maker? We confess what we are and ask the Lord to change us. He knows just what to do to help us change.

Biblical Training In The Home

Many women face the dilemma of being married to a man who will not lead his family on any level. The wives in these marriages, have often asked their husbands to lead, but to no avail. Sadly many of these women are judged as usuring, when they have desired and even begged their husbands to lead but they would not.

When the wives would stop leading there would be no spiritual interaction in the home at all. The devastating effects of total lack of spiritual guidance over time is too great for them, they begin to lead again, hoping against hope that the little that they can do would make a difference in their children's lives, for the Lord

Many women have experience contempt on the part of their children, it is natural for unregenerate children to favor the spouse who requires nothing from them. There are no rules, no chastisements and little instruction in anything except academics.

Men lead automatically, without trying, either for God or against Him. Whichever way the father goes the children will follow.

Some ladies have seen success in the hearts of their children from their teaching, however most have seen rebellion in the hearts of their children no matter what they do, when the husband will not lead or when the father leads them in worldly thinking and worldly pleasures.

Especially when the father displays subtle or outward demonstrations of contempt for his wife's Biblical instruction, there will be dissention on the part of the children. An attitude of contempt that follows into adulthood.

When the father acts as though he is irritated at the spiritual bent of his wife, even in subtle ways, the children learn to be the same toward their mother.

Proverbs 6:20 "My son, observe the commandment of your father And do not forsake the teaching of your mother;"

Proverbs 1:8 "My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother:"


God gave children two parents for a reason, the law of the mother is just as important as the instruction of the father. Notice that God tells the children to listen to the instruction of the Father, but tells the children to obey the law of the Mother.

When two people work in tandem to bring the children up in the Lord, the children learn to respect and love both parents, favoritism is not an issue because the children see that the parents walk together in one life purpose and that is to glorify God in their upbringing.

When the father negates the mother, refusing to uphold her mandates for conduct in the Lord, he fosters a rebellion against authority and against the mother, in the children.

The same is true of the reverse, when the Father is trying to lead in the Lord and the Mother will not support him, it is natural for the child to gravitate toward the one who allows disobedience and rebellion.

Sadly, far too many families operate in the realm of a father that will not lead, even those who will lead but misinterpret the Word to mean the woman has no say at all, are also unbiblical and fostering rebellion against the authority of the Mother in the hearts of the children.

The mandate from God is for the children to "listen to the instruction of their father and to obey the law of their Mother." To negate one of these actions or attitudes is to bring revolt against the godly party and ultimately against the teachings of God.

When a Mother makes a rule in the house, the Father should honor that and show the children to respect and honor their Mother. When the Father instructs the children in the Lord, the Mother is to uphold that. Notice I said "in the Lord", it is impossible for a Mother to endorse ungodly teachings of the Father, it would force her to disobey God. The Mother must uphold the standards of God when the Father will not.

To understand this principle we must take it to it's extreme. If a Father teaches a child to look at filth on television in the house, the Mother must teach against this. She is the keeper and protector of the home, if she does not stand against it she is guilty of participating in the sin.

Acts 5:29 "But Peter and the apostles answered, "We must obey God rather than men."

When the Father will not listen, then the wife is to remove herself from the event and pray.

May these teachings and warnings serve to cause young people to evaluate the values of their potential spouses, that they choose wisely when they marry and pray for God to warn them of unseen attitudes before they make a life long commitment to marriage.

http://www.amazon.com/Wanting-Follow-Forced-Elizabeth-Baker/dp/0842382798