Confidence or Self-Esteem?

As I was listening to a counselor this morning some very good points came up that motivated me to write some of what he said and things I have learned myself.
Determine if the rude words or actions are an incident or a long-standing pattern of behavior.

If it is a pattern, what is the pattern? Someone who is often irritated, dismissive and using silent treatment to punish while acting this way every time you have a discussion is a pattern.

 
Hold your ground! You will not receive validation from the abuser but we can self-validate by self-reflecting to see what really happened, owning our part or dismissing it if you did nothing to warrant this treatment. Be honest about what happened.

Let the person who is abusing you know what they are doing and that you don't like it.

 
If the abuse is a pattern of behavior it won't get better it will keep happening over and over again because it is the heart and character of the person that drives their mentality resulting in their words and actions.

When it is not a pattern, but a rare one-time encounter the person will come back to apologize and will not want to repeat it again. Those who falter without a pattern don't like hurting others, but the one who has a pattern enjoys their mistreatment of others.

 
We cannot control another person when they are abusing us emotionally and spiritually, but we can control ourselves. When we set out to change another person, even if it were to happen it would not be a heart change, only God can do that. Our prayer is that God change their heart so that they think differently causing their actions and words to be motivated by their new heart.

 
When we have prayed for years and the person only gets worse that is the clue to give up the praying and turn them over to Satan to be buffeted. It is through their hardships that they may be able to see their need for Christ. Remember all those years of prayer in the past still count, praying one more time will not force God to force the abuser to repent.

 
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 "7 Because of the extraordinary greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself!
8 Concerning this I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might leave me.
9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in distresses, in persecutions, in difficulties, in behalf of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

When someone is abusive verbally and emotionally we can speak our minds about it and remove ourselves if necessary.

 
The last point is to follow through, and continue to act in a way that sends the message the behavior will no longer be tolerated.

 
It has been my experience that narcissists refuse to discuss anything, they are so fearful of discovering and facing their own flaws that they will fight bitterly to defend themselves when they know they are guilty. Admitting flaws is a crushing blow more devastating than death itself to the narcissist.

 
Another problem with a narcissist is their convenient memory of events. They often remember things that did not happen or forget things that did happen, honesty is not a part of their thinking process. They are intimidated by truth and choose false evidence rather than honesty and accuracy. Narcissists often formulate things in their own minds that they wish to believe rather than what really happened.
Narcissists are like six-year-old bratty children acting immaturely to protect their perceived superiority above all others. They will destroy a relationship entirely before admitting their part in the problem.

 
With these people, we make boundaries not threats. We tell the person what we will not tolerate and keep that boundary no matter what they do after that.

 
In some cases, we already know the narcissist is going to fight and argue because that's what they have done in the past and it is their pattern. In cases like this we don't bother to tell them, we simply walk away and leave them to God.

 
Our culture is far more narcissistic now than ever before because our children's generation has been raised on self-esteem through all their formative years. The schools began the teaching then the churches adopted it causing an avalanche of destructive self-aggrandizement that is defended bitterly when challenged.

The culture is using the word "self-esteem" to replace "confidence." However, there is a big difference between self-esteem and confidence.

 
Self-esteem creates a covert form of self-worship, and confidence is believing we can be or do something without the element of self-worship.

Born again believers are confident and humble at the same time if they are walking with Christ every day.

 
The one who operates from self-esteem elevates themselves above God and everyone else. The one who follows Christ is confident because they know what they believe, are Christ focused and resolute to remain steadfast in His principles and commands.

 
Philippians 2:3-5
"3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

4 Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:"
Notice the word "vainglory" here in this passage. It is the melding of two words, "vanity and self-glory."

 
God tells us not to have this "vainglory", we are to esteem others better than ourselves and to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind. When we operate like this, with the mind of Christ we will never be able to glorify self.

 
It is not possible to have a humble and lowly heart while we are elevating and praising ourselves.

 
The need to be special destroys humility and tramples on love.

 
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Self-esteem ruins all the fruit of the Spirit. There cannot be patience and kindness when we have ourselves on the throne of our lives. Those who have self-esteem are continually fighting to be superior to others while demeaning and manipulating others for personal exaltation.

 
To be exalted in one's own eyes one must diminish others. May those who have been living a life of self-exaltation repent, trust in Christ, and be changed by Him. And, may all believers reject the teachings of the culture that come from the heart of the devil himself.

 
May our path be one of the fruit of the Spirit of Christ, that we may grow in holiness and be useful for the Kingdom of Christ.