Narcissism: The Subtle Epidemic

There was a time when Narcissism was a mere thought related to Greek Mythology.  When we thought of Narcissism, we were picturing the beautiful young man named Narcissus, who gazed into a lake and fell in love with himself. He could no longer think of anyone or anything else, his love for himself overshadowed anything else that was going on in the world. 

The term Narcissism became synonymous with total selfishness and the person who thought of no one else but himself.  A generation ago, this type of person was not so evident, there may have been many but the culture was not accepting of it, so they masked their attitudes to fit into society. 

We now have an epidemic of the narcissistic traits that used to be a footnote among families, at school and in the work place.  Narcissism didn’t work well in our culture so it was much more hidden, but with the onset of “self esteem” teaching we have seen a tsunami effect in the last 40 years of this insidious evil of self awareness. 

What do we see when we are looking at a narcissist?  We might see a person who lacks empathy for the needs or well being of others.  They take and take and give little or nothing back.  The Narcissist values their possessions and status over people. 

An example of this is the story of a young woman; we’ll call her Polly, who thought so completely of herself that she would become angry when she did not get her way. Polly managed to twist whatever someone did for her into something mean and terrible, because the gift that was given her was not what she wanted.  She never seemed to be able to look beyond the gift to the kindness of the act.  Life was all about getting what she wanted the way she wanted it.

One day Polly and her husband had someone over for dinner on a Sunday afternoon.  Polly was not a diligent person because she was so selfish, she puttered around the kitchen doing very little to prepare for her guests and when the guests arrived, the food was not ready and her friends were very hungry.

They waited and waited for the meal to be served, but two hours passed before the guests realized perhaps there wasn’t going to be any dinner.  The lady guest, we’ll call her Dorcus, thought that there might be a misunderstanding about dinner so she commented, “I am sorry, I guess I misunderstood, we thought that we were invited to dinner.”  Polly, became agitated and responded that “you were, but I have just not gotten a chance to fix it yet.” 

Dorcus, realizing that this evening was not going to be easy, said to Polly, “perhaps I can help you in the kitchen, I am sure the guys are hungry by now.”  Polly felt incensed that Dorcus would say this but said yes to the offer of help.  Dorcus asked Polly what she had planned to make, and Polly presented her with some uncooked meat and unpeeled potatoes. 

Polly flitted about the kitchen gathering the uncooked dinner items and presenting them to Dorcus.  Dorcus began to work on cooking the meal while Polly stood clamoring about everything but the food. Dorcus ended up making the entire dinner with very little help from Polly.  The dinner was served, Dorcus set the table too, and they all sat down to eat.  During the meal it was apparent to Dorcus’s husband that she had done most or all of the work, and thanked his wife for making a delicious meal.  Polly was angry at this display of gratefulness, because she had considered that it was her kitchen and therefore, she should have received the compliment of a good dinner. 

This scenerio is the reaction of a narcissistic personality.  They do not do what should be done and when someone else steps up to the plate to get the job done and gets the credit, they become angry.  Their thinking is twisted in that, they tend to day dream in their thoughts that since there was food in their kitchen and it got cooked, that they are the ones who cooked it, and should get the praise. 

It did not occur to Polly to thank Dorcus for doing the meal for her, or that she (Polly) had fallen down in her responsibility to her guests in the area of hospitality.  She simply was embarrassed that she did not get praised and was jealous that her friend did her job for her and worst of all someone else received gracious attention from others. 

To further show the mindset of a narcissist we can take a look at another story containing similar thought patterns.

This story is about Gloria and her mother in law Charity.   One afternoon Gloria’s mother in law called Gloria to see if it would be alright to come and visit her, something that didn’t happen very often because of the distance between their homes, too far to make regular trips. 

Upon arriving at Gloria’s home, Charity knocked on the door several times because no one seemed to be coming.  After a few minutes at the door, she heard Gloria shouting from the kitchen in the back for her six year old son to answer the door. 

Howard, Charity’s grandson came to the door, opened it and ran away without a word.  Charity walked into the house toward the kitchen looking for Gloria, thinking that she was probably in the bathroom and couldn’t get to the door.  Gloria was sitting in a chair looking at a magazine when her mother in law walked into the kitchen. 

Gloria never moved from her chair and lifted her head for a moment to say hello.  Charity sat down at the table where her daughter in law was sitting and began to attempt a conversation.  Gloria would look up from her magazine occasionally as her mother in law spoke.  After about twenty minutes her mother in law noticed a coffee pot on the counter with a little coffee left in it, seeing that no one was going to offer her something, she politely asked if she may have a cup of coffee.  Gloria apologized for her oversight and told her mother in law to go ahead and get her own.  Charity got up from the table to serve herself.  At this point Gloria said that she didn’t think there was enough in the pot, so she got up to make some tea instead. 

While the tea was brewing, Gloria went to the china cabinet to get out a very special cup that was a collector’s cup of fine porcelain, where three other cups of the same quality sat.  Then she walked over to the cupboard and pulled from it an everyday cup and placed them both on the counter. 

After brewing the tea, she poured the tea into the cups and brought them to the table.  She handed the everyday cup to her mother in law and sat down to enjoy her tea from the special cup.

Narcissistic personality disordered people would not understand if you told them, that this was an insulting action on the part of the daughter in law.  Gloria wanted the best cup in the house and didn’t want to take a chance on someone else breaking the other special cups so she didn’t share the best with her guest.  Or Gloria didn’t think at all, she just wanted that cup and it didn’t occur to her that there was someone else in the room.

Most mothers in law would feel hurt that they were treated as second class citizens, not worthy or responsible enough to handle using the “good cups.”   It wasn’t a question of what kind of cup that was used.  Mothers in laws don’t really care what their coffee was served in, but the insult was that Gloria chose to pamper herself in front of her mother in law while sending the message that her mother in law was not worthy of the same quality that she was. 

There is another trait of the narcissist that is very disturbing, an attitude that leaves us in complete shock when we encounter it, and that is the lack of empathy shown for the heartache and troubles of others.

In this story we will show that the narcissist cares only about whether or not they are personally inconvenienced, and never about the friend or relative who may have been harmed. 

This is the story about the son and daughter in law who are so completely absorbed in their own pleasure and convenience that they are willing to throw the mother in law under the bus to remain in control.  Narcissism is all about controlling others to maintain the top position. 

One day Trudy set out with her grandson on a little trip to see her son, daughter in law and her other grandchildren.  The child she brought with her was from another family.  Again, while at the home, the mother in law was offered no refreshment until she asked for it, which seems to be a classic trait of narcissists.  It does not occur to them to be hospitable.  While visiting in the house with her son and daughter in law, the grandchild who came with Granny went outside to play.

Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream from the front porch and a terrifying growling and snarling sound.  The grandson was on the porch floor crying and screaming while the dog was attacking with bites over and over again, leaving small open wounds on the child.  The son pulled the dog off the child and held it back while the child went inside.  The son stood petting the dog and explaining how the dog was there to frighten away the coyotes.  Neither the son nor daughter in law ran to see the wounds of the cousin.  Granny went inside to see if he was alright, but the daughter in law and the son made no moves to get medicine for the wounds or even look at them until granny told them that the dog left bite wounds all over the child’s head. 

The mother in law, angry at the lack of concern for the child and the pampering of the dog, began to lecture the couple on their laxity in having such a dog at their home.  The son continued to make excuses for the dog because he chased off the coyotes.  When told that the dog could harm children and even get them in trouble with the law, the response was, “the dog doesn’t hurt our children.” 

Granny could see that she was not going to be able to get through to these very self absorbed people, in an attempt to show them that they were callous and mean.  Granny left the house to take her grandson back home, while there was no apology at the time, from the couple for the dog attack. 

The attitudes that followed were beyond belief.  The couple was angry at the mother in law for “chewing them out” and cut off all contact with her for her rudeness.  Her suggestion that the dog be put down was spurned and treated with contempt as though she had done something wrong in the rebuke. 

This is a classic reaction in the characteristics of the narcissist.  They can not see their own sin, and when others point out their sin, they are accused of being mean.  The mother in law was cut off from them and told she needed to apologize for her actions.  When she sent birthday gifts or cards there was no indication of receiving them and the last card that went in the mails came back. 

This leads us to another trait of the narcissist; they have to always be in control and therefore will use subtle and not so subtle forms of manipulation to control their victim.  If their victim can not be controlled and will not fall into their web, they then cut them off entirely.  The narcissist can not stand to be corrected and must be in control of all their relationships or those that will not submit are excluded and deleted.  There is no room in their life for anyone who will not cower to their manipulative tricks.

                                                                                                                   

With a narcissist winning the game is all that matters, even if it means lying or stretching the truth to win.  They leave a wake of broken relationships, constantly moving on to new ones because when they are discovered to be narcissists, their friends avoid them.  They are toxic and will not relent until they get their own way.

They tend to be very superficial and avoid talking about Biblical matters or character development.  They tend to know what buttons to push to rile a person and then when the person reacts they point the finger at them as though the victim started it all.  Their main goal is to turn others against their victim so that they have a sense of first place in the lives of those they wish to impress. 

The narcissist has a very high opinion of themselves and have grandiose views of their abilities, whether or not they are accomplished, does not matter, only that they believe they are wonderful, is all that matters, they live in a dream world. 

The narcissist has a frightening lack of remorse in anything that they do, and no respect for others.  Fear is one of the tactics of the narcissist, they will accuse you of things you are not doing, malign your reputation with others to gain advantage and deny that they did it.  They may display respect to gain an advantage in some way, but when they are found out they will turn and rend you while running away to find someone else to prey on.  The Narcissist is guiltless and empty.


"Because their inner life is so restricted and essentially dead, it doesn't contain images of how to live a full life -- these things are not important to them, they expect others to look after day-to-day chores, they resent wasting their specialness on common things, they don't put their heart into their work (though they'll tell you how many hours they put into it), they borrow their opinions and preferences and tastes from whomever strikes them as authoritative at the moment." From: "How to Recognize a Narcissist"

Our question might be what does a Christian do with these kinds of people?  How do we handle relationships with someone like this? 

1 Peter 5:8 says that the devil is like a roaring lion roaming around seeking whom he can devour.  Satan uses these people to upset families and relationships.  The narcissist must grow a conscience where there is none.  They must begin to develop empathy and diligence in order to be a decent member of society.  The only way this can happen is for them to become a new creation through the saving blood of Jesus Christ.  Outside of this occurrence there can be no hope for the narcissist. 

Without Christ the narcissist does not change and even becomes worse as they grow older and more effective in their methods.  The only hope for them is salvation through Christ, so the answer to the question, what do I do with a narcissist, is to pray that the Lord do a mighty work in their life and that He tell you what He wants from you.  Sometimes it is vitally important to get your family away from these people, and other times God may want you to remain in their life for a period of time to be a light.  

Some scriptures that we find that give a vivid description of the narcissist are located in Romans 1: 28-32, 2 Timothy 3 and 1 Timothy 4.  These passages show us how terrible these people can become and even the devastating effect they can have on the believer and his family.  We must be carefully in prayer when dealing with them and in some cases we are called to have nothing to do with them. 

If the Lord saves them, then we can rejoice and have fellowship, but until then we are not to have fellowship with the darkness.  As the Lord says, bad company corrupts good character.  We never want to place ourselves in the position of continual contact with someone who will affect our walk with the Lord or bait us into conflicts.

There are many more stories just like these that could be told and I am sure you have some of your own to tell.  May the Lord bless you, as you seek Him for specific answers to specific situations.