Overt vs Covert Narcissism

The overt narcissist will speed through town and when stopped by the police they will blame the car. The covert narcissist will speed through town when stopped by the police and will blame someone else.

Each one blames something or someone else for their own lack of self-control or faulty thinking. They will never take responsibility for their own attitudes or actions which is the very reason they never grow emotionally or spiritually.

No one can grow into maturity who cannot admit their own flaws and failings.

1 John 1:9 "1 John 1:9

"9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

When a born-again believer walking with Christ fails or sin they confess it quickly because the burden of the Holy Spirit on them disquiets their very nature and produces humility and guilt that leads them to confess.

When we meet someone who refuses to admit they have offended then we might be observing someone who claims to be a "Christian" but has never been born again.

Matthew 7:21-23 clearly explains that many people will think they are all right with God but who does not know Him.

Matthew 7:21-23 21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter.

22 Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’

23 And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; leave Me, you who practice lawlessness.’"

Many family members attend gatherings every week of their lives and lack all the fruit of the Spirit of God but think they are saved.

Galatians 5:22-23 - "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

Worse yet, when they are confronted with their arrogance and false humility they rage instead of repent.

Proverbs 29:9-10 "9 If a wise man goes to court with a fool, there will be raging and laughing with no resolution. 10 Men of bloodshed hate a blameless man, but the upright care for his life.…"

There can only be solutions to relationship problems when the gossip stops and those who gossiped or believed the gossip repent. There can only be solutions to relationship problems when there is compassion and interest in both the one who was offended and the offender.

Problems are never resolved by just "letting it go", they are resolved the way God said they would be, that is both parties coming in humility to discuss a matter honestly. However, in our world today it is nearly impossible to have an honest discussion in humility when everyone has been trained to defend themselves to preserve their "self-esteem." Biblical standards for relationship resolution are nearly non-existent and those who attempt to employ God's way are demeaned, mocked, and shut down before there can be any real dialogue.

Matthew 5:22-24 "…22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ will be subject to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be subject to the fire of hell. 23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.…"

Sometimes someone who says they are a Christian will not "call someone a fool" but they will treat them as though they are a fool, it is the same principle. Actions are expressions of what is inside already. Actions and words cannot be separated.

Romans 12:16–19

16 give in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.1 Never be wise in your own sight. 17 repay no one evil for evil, but have thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

When we love someone we are deeply sorrowful when we think we have offended them and want to make it right. However, narcissists don't care about nurturing a relationship or repairing it, they only care about winning over those they wish to dominate.

May we care more about pleasing God than preserving our fleshly appearance or dominating anyone. When we love Christ we do not care about dominating anyone, we care about the spiritual well-being of others.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth."

The Narrow Path with Those Who Love Christ

When a narcissist falsely accuses you of something simply reply with; "thank you for letting me know" and walk away. The narcissist is attempting to cause anger in us and an ungodly response. Any explanation will be met with another accusation or rage for the purpose of causing us to revert to our fleshly defensive nature.

The devil loves nothing better than to cause a Christian to react badly the way a narcissist would act. This diminishes the witness of the believer for Christ. It also has the potential to escalate the angst of the narcissist creating an atmosphere of devilish hurt.

Having experienced every tactic of the narcissist over my more than 70 years of life I can tell you will confidence that every action of the narcissist is to manipulate their target into misbehaving so they have a reason to accuse us of the very thing the narcissist is doing but we are not.

It's the old idea of poking at someone in their eye until they finally shout in anger at which point the narcissist says; "see how you are?" When the first polk comes it is best to immediately remove ourselves without response and see to it that our contact with that narcissist is at a bare minimum, and even no contact at all in the future.

Narcissists rarely apologize and if they do it is to return to the relationship to further offend. These people cannot be trusted even with an apology.

Having said all this I must say that not every ugly encounter is narcissistic. It is possible for decent people to have a bad response and feel sorry that they were offensive. When we meet someone like this who does not have a pattern of offending deliberately regularly, then we can forgive when they are sorry and resume the relationship.

In my personal experience, narcissists are very predictable, they act badly every time I am with them, it is a lifestyle toward me that never changes. There are no encounters with them that are pleasant so I keep my distance and some I have gone no contact with permanently.

Our culture is so very crass right now that rude behavior is seen as normal and the one who says it is rude is the one who is a target for disrespect.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 "3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult (ragingly insane) times will come.

2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, slanderers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,

3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,

4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,

5 holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power; avoid such people as these."

I have been accused of personally writing about someone when my articles were generic without names. When this happens we know that the one who believes we were writing about them has been convicted because they see themselves in it but instead of repenting to be cleansed and grow they fight against it and blame the writer.

They even act as though it was wrong to speak the truth even if it had been about them. This is a sure sign that the person complaining about the post is stubborn and rebellious. If the writing had been about them without their names then they should repent and fell shame that they acted so badly.

Narcissists are full of shame but will pretend they were attacked rather than repent.

Proverbs 1:7

"7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."

Proverbs 1:29

"29 Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the LORD,"

A wise person listens to a matter and self-reflects to make sure they were not the offender. If they were the offender they apologize and move on to do better. An insecure person will think they were the offender merely because someone else said they were. The narcissist will prey on weak-minded people, those who have been trained by the narcissist to accept false accusations, they endure false guilt.

When God has removed the pride from our hearts we can objectively evaluate whether we are wrong and admit when necessary. Those who are self-willed and narcissistic will never admit the wrong things they do and will readily accuse the one they offended of deserving it or that the narcissist didn't do it at all, in other words, they "gaslight" the victim of their hate.

If the narcissist cannot control the emotions of their target they will gossip and lie to others to turn them against the victim. Narcissists cannot endure that anyone likes their target, they must make sure that others hate them as much as the narcissist does.

The only real solution to this matter of gossip and triangulation is to remove ourselves from the narcissist and all those who believe their lies.

Proverbs 23:9 " 9 Do not speak to a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words."

When you have endured a narcissistic family system and those in it are not changing it is time to remove yourselves. Allow God to bring kind and loving people into your life as you wait on Him. It is better to be alone with Christ than in the company of mean-spirited God-haters who have only one goal and that is to ruin your walk with Christ.

Remember, you are never alone when you have Christ. And, there are others in the world who have endured what you have encountered. These people will be a blessing to us and we will support them in the Lord.

2 Corinthians 6:16-18 "…16 What agreement can exist between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will dwell with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people.” 17 “Therefore come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” 18 And: “I will be a Father to you, and you will be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”…

When family pressures you to remain in contact you are free to politely decline invitations and make other plans without any explanations. Narcissists will want to goad you into explanations so they can argue to instill shame and guilt for not attending their functions. If we do not explain and are calm and kind, they will eventually understand that we cannot be manipulated into doing their bidding.

Our family are those who love Jesus Christ the way we do and are walking the same path with us, that narrow one God speaks about.

Matthew 7:13-14

“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it."

Hallelujah!!!!

Narcissistic Abuse and Gaslighting in Family Structure and Siblings

Narcissism is growing in our world today because of the teaching for the past 50 years of "self-esteem" in all the schools and in the churches. The culture has trained the children to love themselves above everyone else.

My entire family was narcissistic and thought they were wonderful people, even though I was the scapegoat because I didn't like the way they were acting. I never figured out why they liked these rude attitudes even though they attended church every week. They were pretenders in the church looking good to those in those gatherings but at home they are devils. My parents were both narcissistic and taught my brothers to treat me disrespectfully. 

Matthew 7:21-23 "21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’
23 And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’"

2 Timothy 3:1-5 "3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, slanderers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,
3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,
4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
5 holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power; avoid such people as these."

The word "difficult" here in the first sentence it actually means in the original language "ragingly insane." And, God said to "avoid such people." Our family is not the bio family we were born to, our family as a Christian are those who love Christ.