Often the scapegoat of the family is accused of things the narcissists are doing and the scapegoats are not doing. It is astounding that the person who calls out the abuse and rudeness is the one who is further abused not only by the narcissist but all their flying monkeys who worship the one who causes all the problems.
Narcissists often have a hierarchy system in which they demand everyone honor them above anyone else. They have unspoken rules about who may speak and what they are allowed to say. These rulers of the cult demand that everyone do and say the same things, the one who does not fit in is the one who is treated contemptuously and gossiped about by the other members. There is no autonomy in narcissistic family systems. The scapegoat is the one who thinks differently than the ruler of the narcissistic family system and is punished for not accepting the leader of this cult like system.
Often the narcissistic family system is the modern church gathering. It operates falsely the way many families operate, based on their own idea of truth not based in Scripture.
Most families and churches operate to some degree with a narcissistic mindset even if only in mild terms.
We are not talking about a matter of sin although the family system often has guesses and lies they concoct to discredit and demean the scapegoat member who steps out of the system to walk their own path.
Authentic Christians are the target of these narcissistic systems. They are treated with contempt by those who say they are Christians but have little to no regard for the principles of Christ as written in God's Word.
The people who act like the Pharisee in the parable of the tax collector and the Pharisee, are those who judge others for things they know nothing about or for minor infractions to their familial system that do not follow the Bible but are rules of that system laid out by the narcissistic hierarchy.
Luke 18:9-14
The Pharisee and the Tax Collector
9 Now He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt:
10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
11 The Pharisee stood and began praying this in regard to himself: ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, crooked, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.
12 I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’
13 But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to raise his eyes toward heaven, but was beating his chest, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’
14 I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other one; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”
God condemns the traditions of men that oppress others and keep them in bondage to man-made ideas and rules that God never commanded.
Mark 7:13 "13 Thus you nullify the word of God by the tradition you have handed down. And you do so in many such matters.”
Mark 7:1-9 "1 The Pharisees and some of the scribes *gathered to Him after they came from Jerusalem,
2 and saw that some of His disciples were eating their bread with unholy hands, that is, unwashed.
3 (For the Pharisees and all the other Jews do not eat unless they carefully wash their hands, thereby holding firmly to the tradition of the elders;
4 and when they come from the marketplace, they do not eat unless they completely cleanse themselves; and there are many other things which they have received as traditions to firmly hold, such as the washing of cups, pitchers, and copper pots.)
5 And the Pharisees and the scribes *asked Him, “Why do Your disciples not walk in accordance with the tradition of the elders, but eat their bread with unholy hands?”
6 But He said to them, “Rightly did Isaiah prophesy about you hypocrites, as it is written:
‘This people honors Me with their lips,
But their heart is far away from Me.
7 And in vain do they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.’
8 Neglecting the commandment of God, you hold to the tradition of men.”
9 He was also saying to them, “You are experts at setting aside the commandment of God in order to keep your tradition. "
We have this same cult-like mentality today as many "church-goers" judge those who have left the formal apostate church systems to remain at home with family and friends.
Nowhere in God's Word does He command a system of hierarchy for the gathering of believers and nowhere does God command a man be placed in authority over the believers.
The only Authority over the believer is the Holy Spirit. Leaders are to lead by example and teaching, they have no authority over those they shepherd.
All believers are accountable to all other believers. When a leader dominates over others with an iron hand refusing any input from the other believers they have usurped the Holy Spirit and made themselves the mediator between others and God.
1 Timothy 2:5
"5 For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus;"
Leaders are to be humble and the servants of others, not the authority over them.
Matthew 20:25-27 "…25 But Jesus called them aside and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their superiors exercise authority over them. 26 It shall not be this way among you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave—"
God's Love does not allow for demeaning, mocking dismissing and rejection within His church over disagreements.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
"4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant.
5 It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered,
6 it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
