There are many families now who have children sleeping with them until they are 8-12 years old. It is my opinion that this is a way for the parent to avoid loneliness after the loss of a spouse, either through divorce or death. If these things occur then it is understandable for a time, to comfort the grieving children until the emotional pain subsides. There are also those spouses who are avoiding intimate relations with their spouse by having a child in the bed.
In the case of a normal family setting where there is no divorce or death, then the parent who continually brings a child into the bed, may be having trouble saying no to a contentious child. When we cannot say no to a child out of fear of their anger toward us, then we are placing that child in the position of leader or controller of the relationship.
From my studies I find that children who sleep from birth to age 8 or beyond, tend to be spoiled, bratty and attention seekers. They consider themselves superior to the other children in the household who have to sleep in their own beds, while sending the message to the other children that they are not special enough to enjoy this privilege. The favorite child who sleeps with parents is usually cruel to those who do not have this special treatment. The child is unknowingly being groomed to be a narcissist. This favored child is often disobedient to the other parent that might desire to have the privacy of the bed between her/him and their spouse.
It is also my humble opinion that children who dominate the beds of adults see the adult as an equal and friend rather than a parent. The child very likely grows up to feel superior, entitled and even contemptuous toward all authority. The favored child will expect and demand his desires, even turning on the parent who allows them to dominate the relationship, eventually there will be relational problems when the child’s demands become overwhelming and continual. There is also the strong possibility of marital problems when the indulging spouse will not care about the desires of their partner, continually refusing to remove the child from their bed.
There is a break down in parental authority when a parent becomes too intimate with an older child. Love is far different from intimacy. Intimacy is reserved for married couples not a parent and a child.
The marriage bed is for the married couple, not for older children. It is one thing for a mother to bring a baby to bed while nursing, or if the young child is ill or frightened and quite another to make a practice of sleeping and cuddling all night long with an older child. That level of intimacy should be reserved for the spouse.
In a world where there are so many divorces, this practice of sleeping with older children has escalated, causing rebellion in the children. The privileged children who gets to sleep with daddy or mommy are elevated in their own eyes while the other children in the family who do not get to sleep with daddy or mommy are devalued, they feel a sense of being left out or unimportant.
Children need to learn the authority pecking order. A commander of a military troop does not share the same quarters with his men. He cares for them, sacrifices for them, shares their living experiences, however he keeps them where they belong, under his authority. Intimacy in private quarters would be a break down in morale and authority. While I understand that families are not military issue, I also know that a break down in authority causes chaos and rebellion.
We can deeply love our children while teaching them that the marriage bed is for the marriage partners, except in special circumstances when there is a need for protection and healing.
Sadly far too many parents are using their children as emotional supply, rather than seeing them as pliable needy little people who must to be trained to become strong in their own right, able to know right from wrong, depending on Christ for their needs instead of people.
When a child cannot sleep in their own bed, secure and happy, there has been created an unhealthy emotional bond that goes beyond love, to total dependency and in some cases perversion. The parent is depending on the child for his emotional stability and the child is learning to place his trust in one human being alone for his supply of love. The child will also eventually feel burdened when it comes time to detach from the parent to begin his own family. There is a greater potential for growing a perverted closeness when the child learns to cuddle all night lone with a parent.
Back in the day, babies had their own beds, they were called cradles. Mothers and Fathers removed the baby from their own bed to care for their needs, feeding, changing, storytelling and family experiences. There was a lot of interaction, love, care and nurturing, when it came time to sleep, the child knew he had his own bed for sleeping, there was no question that this is the way it was. Parents were the authority and children were children under the authority of the parents.
Those lines have been blurred now, almost non-existent, the child doesn’t know where they belong in the pecking order, they think they are in charge and it is really too much for them. They live in a world of making decisions and demands they should never have to make. Children feel much more secure and loved when someone else is in charge, confident about what is to be done while enforcing the order.
Children are much more insecure today than they have ever been, they lack confidence, they are prideful and demanding but they have little confidence. Parents have been allowing the children to be in charge, making them insecure, leaving them with the feeling of danger, not knowing right from wrong, up or down.
Ephesians 6:1 “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
When we allow children to have their own way, even if it isn’t good for them or the family, we are teaching them to disobey, not only us, but God too.
Colossians 3:20 “Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.”
Exodus 20:12 ““Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you. “
Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. “
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. “
Deuteronomy 21:18-21 ““If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear. "
Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. “
A parent who give into the whims and tantrums of a child is training that child to be rebellious in every way.
Proverbs 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.”
Does anyone think that requiring a child to respect the marriage bed as for husband and wife, is too harsh or too provincial? It was the practice for thousands of years, before the onset of a permissive and rebellious culture. Does this not tell us something?
Many things this modern generation thinks is perfectly alright to do, has broken down the parent child relationship and ultimately destroyed the entire family structure.
For those who have not heard the term “Pecking Order”: Merriam Webster Dictionary
“1 : a basic pattern of social organization within a flock of poultry in which each bird pecks another lower in the scale without being pecked in return and allows pecking by one of higher rank
2 : a social order with ranks or classes”
