Narcissists are deliberately vague so that we will misunderstand, giving them an opportunity to make us look foolish when we ask questions to clarify.
When we try to understand through asking questions for an honest dialogue the narcissist will refuse to cooperate. They go to their place of anger quickly so they don't have to discuss anything.
Cooperation is not on the narcissist tool belt. Their belt has one loop, it reads like this; "just do what I want and everything will be alright."
The tool belt of the narcissist has only the tools they want their way. When an attempt is made to interject another way of thinking or an idea that wasn't theirs, the narcissist becomes agitated.
The covert narcissist will do very subtle things to irritate in hopes that their target will become angry, at which point they will pretend and deny that they did anything to frustrate. Plausible deniability is the main tool on the covert narcissist tool belt.
The overt narcissist will simply deny our desires as being irrelevant or stupid so they do not have to cooperate. In their mind, they have no responsibility to help if our idea is a dumb one. Intimidation and mocking are the main tools on the belt of the overt narcissist.
Proverbs 29:8-10 "…8 Mockers inflame a city, but the wise turn away anger. 9 If a wise man goes to court with a fool, there will be raving and laughing with no resolution. 10 Men of bloodshed hate a blameless man, but the upright care for his life.…"
Proverbs 18:2
"A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion."
Proverbs 1:7
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."
Proverbs 18:7
"A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul."
The fool loves division, contention, and harming those of whom they are jealous. They hate to be instructed, never apologize for slights or sins, always elevating themselves above what is reasonable and rational, and never self-reflect to grow emotionally and spiritually.
The reason we do not see narcissists becoming better people while remaining child-like in their responses is that it is only when we self-reflect to judge ourselves can we become wiser.
1 Corinthians 11:30-32 "…30 That is why many among you are weak and sick, and a number of you have fallen asleep. 31 Now if we judged ourselves properly, we would not come under judgment. 32 But when we are judged by the Lord, we are being disciplined so that we will not be condemned with the world.…"
2 Corinthians 13:5
"Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves! Or do you not recognize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you—unless indeed you fail the test?"
Those who are born again have the advantage of the conviction of the Holy Spirit when we mess up. We sense the displeasure of God when we have acted badly. However, those who have no conscience over their mean deeds even defending themselves with excuses and blaming others, do not have the Holy Spirit.
When we meet someone who can never apologize or admit their flaws we are observing someone who is not born again. Born-again believers can quickly admit their warts and flaws because they know it is only Christ Who is good and perfect.
Those who have the fruit of the Spirit, the first one being "Love", will act in ways that are loving as a lifestyle. Those who do not have the Holy Spirit but claim to be Christians will have a phony love motivated by appearances rather than substance.
Galatians 5:22-23
"22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
When we have the fruit of the Spirit it will be rare that we act unkindly to anyone. When we have this fruit we do not have to work hard to follow these character qualities, they come as naturally as breathing to anyone who is indwelt by the Holy Spirit.
When we have failed God perhaps the pressure of this life comes and we allow it to manipulate us and we speak in an unkind way we are quickly convicted, hate it, and apologize.
Those who have no conviction about their mean acts, even defending them do not have the Holy Spirit. No born-again believer would be comfortable with sin in themselves.
Those who are not born again do not see that they sin, they justify themselves and pretend they have not sinned blaming the ones they sin against.
Born-again believers are growing and changing all the time. They do not have the same habits and flaws they had many years ago before they were born again. The more we read the Word of God and the more we obey it, the greater our growth.
However there are newborns who have not yet learned to act properly or even stubborn believers who are saved but will not seek God in all matters, they will make it to heaven but just barely. They will have few rewards.
1 Corinthians 3:14-16 "…14 If what he has built survives, he will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, he will suffer loss. He himself will be saved, but only as if through the flames. 16 Do you not know that you yourselves are God’s temple, and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?…"
Those who read the Bible just to know what it says for purposes of impressing others will not grow in holiness. As long as there is pride to impress others there will not be spiritual and emotional growth.
Those who grow in holiness are those who want God to expose the flaws within themselves to be changed by Him. Their goal is to please the Lord not man. Their prayer is "Lord make me just like You."
Ephesians 2:10
"10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
Psalm 51:10 "…9 Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. 11 Cast me not away from Your presence; take not Your Holy Spirit from me.…"
Jesus Christ covers our sinfulness when we become born again, but He does not leave us there, He works on us to become holy and righteous. This involves humility, brokenness, and continual cleansing. Only through this constant cleansing do we become mature and useful to God.
Psalm 78:8
"Then they will not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, whose heart was not loyal, whose spirit was not faithful to God."
Psalm 78:37
"Their hearts were disloyal to Him, and they were unfaithful to His covenant."
1 John 1:9 "9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Notice the word "if", it's an important word! God will not cleanse those who will not confess. God will not grow anyone who will not admit their sins.
This is sobering because so many people in the churches today believe they are accepted by God no matter how they are living, this could not be farther from the truth.
One must confess their sinfulness to be born again and keep confessing each sin that is revealed to us through the power of the Holy Spirit. We must desire for the Lord to change our hearts for Him to work in us. God does not force anyone to be what they do not want to be.
The good news:
How do we seek God in accomplishing growth?
We do it by confessing all that does not honor God while asking Him to change our hearts. In order to grow, we must seek His Word, the Bible, and actually do what He says. Then trust the Holy Spirit for each circumstance in our lives. The Bible does not always give specifics of where to live or what to do but there is a principle for every circumstance that gives us all the guidance we need.
If we hate our sin and want to be changed into a new creation by God we must say so to God and He WILL do it.
2 Peter 3:9
"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."
Acts 2:38
"And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
James 1:4-6 "…4 Allow perseverance to finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But he must ask in faith, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.…"
Bottom Line: We must ask for forgiveness for our sins to be born again and we must ask for wisdom to grow in our walk with Christ after we have been changed by Him into a new creation.
