It is not bitterness to withhold forgiveness from those who are unrepentant. It is bitterness when someone confesses to be cleansed and the offended will not forgive. God told us to forgive the way He forgives when someone is repentant.
Confession of offense and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin, both must be present and the purpose is reconciliation of a relationship. A relationship cannot be reconciled unless someone is sorry and the other one forgives.
Why do so many people ignore that phrase in the passage in Luke; "if he repents forgive him." and the other phrase; "even if he sins against you seventy times seven AND RETURNS TO SAY I REPENT" YOU MUST FORGIVE HIM."
It is nothing when we say we forgive when someone is not sorry, they are false words that fall to the ground. They produce feelings for oneself but they do not produce a reconciled relationship if the offender is not sorry.
We should never do harm to those who have offended us but we are not friends with them either until there is authentic reconciliation through confession. It is only through admitting the sin against us or ours against someone else that is worthy of forgiveness.
We are not called to be friends with everyone. We are even told to walk away from those who are ungodly who bring nothing but trouble into our lives.
If we harbor resentment toward someone who offended us and confessed it to us to be reconciled then we are bitter.
Matthew 18:15-18 "15 “Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that on the testimony of two or three witnesses every matter may be confirmed.
17 And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, he is to be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
18 Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth [u]shall have been loosed in heaven."
When someone is sorry and someone forgives it deepens the relationship when we see the change in behavior and the contrite heart.
However, when we say we forgive when there has not been repentance it validates the bad behavior of the offender and further hardens their heart. Forgiving superficially never changes a sinful heart.
Consequences of sin help those who are caught in it to see the need for repentance.
If someone hardens their heart further because they refuse to be accountable then that is on them. We do not make anyone else harden their heart but we can do things God's Way and leave the results to Him. And, we do no make anyone's heart softer by superficially saying; "I forgive you."
When Christ was on the cross He asked the Father to extend forgiveness to those who murdered Him, but they would not receive it unless they trusted in Christ. He did not forgive the men who killed Him, He merely asked the Father to make forgiveness available to them if they would respond.
God only forgives those who confess their sins to be cleansed. Those who do not want to be cleansed will not be forgiven.
1 John 1:9 " If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
Forgiveness is conditional to confession. This principle has been neglected often by psychological teaching that erroneously says if we forgive it will soften the heart of the offender, but the opposite is true. We further harden hearts by extending forgiveness to those who refuse to be accountable.
Having said all that we must remember to bless those who curse us when we are in their company, but this is not forgiveness to reconcile a relationship. We must remain blameless in our actions toward others no matter what they do. However, if someone continually offends without repentance we must obey God and remove ourselves from them. Those who are serial offenders will attempt to goad us into reacting in ways we do not want to act.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 "1 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.
2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, slanderers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,
3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,
4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
5 holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power; avoid such people as these."
Many of these kinds of people are in the church gatherings today. They fight against the truth of the Scriptures and gossip against those who love God. We are told to avoid these people unless they confess to us their sin, not superficially in generalities but specifically describing what they did and that they regret it.
Some apologies are ploys to suck us back in to be further abused, these apologies are often in generalities. The reason they are generalities without specifics is because the offender doesn't really want to confess but regrets that the relationship is broken, they want it back but without being completely open and candid about their behavior. It takes God's discernment to be able to evaluate what is real and what is not. Seek God to know the truth and listen to Him when He speaks.
A born-again believer wants to forgive, this is why so many pretend to do so when the offender is not sorry, but we must forgive God's way to be honest and allow Him to work in the offender. When we love God we will not retaliate in any way but we will wait on God to work before extending forgiveness.
