A very dangerous dynamic I am seeing as more common these days is the daughter in competition with her mother to be the favored of the father. The mother knows she should come first with her husband, but the daughter works to claim that position.
One writer described the following:
"The second likely dynamic that causes daughters to compete with their mothers is parenting that isn't united. That competition is initiated when dads are easier on their daughters than mothers in a manner that permits the girls to learn to manipulate their dads against their mothers." (author unknown)
When a father tends to show favoritism to a daughter over his wife, the daughter will place herself in the role of the favored one. She will use that position to covertly hurt her mother.
This is a sad situation because it perpetuates rebellion in the daughter against the mother while praising and elevating the father. I have seen this many times over the years.
The mother cannot have a special relationship with her daughter because the daughter is constantly pitting the father against the mother by asking for things from the father that the mother might not agree with.
Rather than talking to both mother and father to come to an agreement, the daughter will speak to her father alone, get him to side with her, and then declare what the two of them have decided.
Some Christians use the excuse that the father is the head of the household so the daughter will go to him knowing he will say what she likes, excluding the mother from the discussion. This is evil, it negates the husband-wife relationships as a partnership, usurping the desires of the mother in favor of the daughter.
If any of you men are doing this, keep in mind you are being used and schmoozed by a manipulative daughter so she will get what she wants. Even if all she wants is to be more special to her father than his wife is to him.
There is nothing more disgusting than a daughter who comes between her mother and father for her own personal elevation.
Exodus 20:12 "12 Honor your father and mother, so that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. "
Notice God said to honor BOTH father and mother.
Proverbs 1:8-9 "8 Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction, and do not forsake the teaching of your mother. 9 For they are a garland of grace on your head and a pendant around your neck.…"
Notice God said to listen to the father's instruction as well as "not to forsake the teachings of your mother."
Both parents are equally important and valued in the eyes of the children if they are obeying God.
A daughter who is shown that mother comes first and that mother's teachings are to be valued will not make more than one or two attempts to elevate father above mother while demeaning her in subtle ways.
A daughter who has been trained by her father to dishonor the mother through this manipulation will use covert and sneaky tactics to show her mother how little the daughter values her. Sadly the father of this kind of daughter feeds her evil by his glorying in the elevated status.
The father fears the loss of his daughter more than his own wife's well being, this man will pretend nothing is happening with the daughter, further gaslighting the mother to convince her she is just acting silly when it is the daughter who is doing so.
Notice the father is willing to see the wife as silly but not willing to see the daughter as silly. There is a reason for this, that is that the daughter has schmoozed her father so effectively that he chooses blindness to her disrespect. Why would the father choose the daughter over the wife?
That is a good question, the answer is simple, the husband has had to work through many things with the wife over the years possibly there is the residue of bitterness. With the daughter he has given her all she wants, never said not to her, in response she schmoozed him up continually pretending he had no flaws, closing her eyes to the bad side of him. There is a co-dependency going on between them.
When an ungodly man cares more about being special and elevated than he does about growing into a wiser, kinder, and more holy human being, he will gravitate toward those who treat him as though he were flawless.
We see this is nearly all children who are treated special without correction, they will gravitate toward the parent who has no standards and who says yes all the time to everything.
I have been in the presence of loving godly daughters who were just as loving and kind to both parents. They didn't have one they favored over the other because they were able to see both parents in truth, flaws, warts, strengths, and talents in both. With the narcissistic daughter, the is no ability to see the good in the parent that requires accountability. The one who corrects and rebukes will be the rejected one.
I am discussing daughters here but it can be applied to any gender or any parents. The key is that the lenient parents are the ones the children will love the most.
It is only in Christ that a narcissistic child can be saved from these evil traits. Only Christ can change the heart of a lenient parent. Once the damage is done in the children through favoritism there is no fixing it, only God can fix a repentant heart and only God can reach that stubborn heart.
Any attempt to explain things to the narcissistic child causes further problems. My suggestion is to leave them alone and go to God. Pray for those who are abusers and refuse to react to their antics.
Undisciplined parents who will not train their children will be held accountable for not obeying the Word of God. Parents who are undisciplined provoke their children by lack of training, they train them in the way of rebellion causing provocation.
Ephesians 6:4
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Proverbs 29:15
"The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."
Proverbs 23:13-14
"Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol."
1 Peter 4:8
"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."
Discipline and instruction are love, the very essence of love is contained in the hard work of teaching a child to honor both parents as well as those other authorities in the community.
Think about it!!!!
