Often when a narcissist describes themselves they will say things they believe about themselves that are not accurate but based on their inner feelings, that they hide from others.
The narcissists I have known have been bold and controlling and yet they might describe themselves as "shy." Why would a narcissist who is bombastic and controlling think they were shy?
The answer is really quite simple, they are fearful children on the inside attempting to be on the outside what they wish they were but are not. We know this because some people "act" shy because it makes them appear humble, but with others, they dislike or are jealous of rage at the slightest disagreement
Someone who is calm on the inside does not act disrespectfully over a disagreement.
Matthew 15:10-11 "10Jesus called the crowd to Him and said, “Listen and understand. 11A man is not defiled by what enters his mouth, but by what comes out of it.”"
It is what comes out of the man that proves what is in their heart. A man/woman who rages outwardly is an angry person on the inside.
Their show of strength as they see it is in controlling how others view them. They want to believe they are humble so they act in a contrived counterfeit imitation of humility. We know this because as soon as someone disagrees with them they explode in anger as though no one has a right to their own views, everyone must believe like the narcissist or they are the enemy.
Someone who is humble accepts that others have differing ideas from them and it is permitted and even a blessing. Humble people see others as individual people, but the narcissist only sees that others must be an extension of them or they are rejected.
The narcissist is generally a very fearful person, they want to be seen as strong and in control of everything and everyone because they know they are deeply insecure on the inside.
There is no need to control others or attempt to appear strong if we are truly strong. Strong loving, kind people have no desire to manipulate or control others.
You will not see a strong person fighting to win an argument or using manipulation to cause hurt feelings in others. You will not see a strong person shutting down or talking over someone to stay in control.
A strong, kind, and loving person enjoys blessing others, accepting differences as colorful and a challenge to learn something from others. Narcissists are know-it-all, expressing their opinions constantly but never inquiring about the opinions of others unless those others are famous and seen as experts.
When a strong born-again person is presented with a different point of view their response is generally to ask the question; "I wonder if that is true" and then go to find out for themselves through genuine research and prayer. Or, if they already know the answer they will share their view calmly and without intimidation.
Strong people have no desire to win over anyone else, they enjoy different personalities and points of view. The strong born-again person will be staunch in their beliefs that were enlightened by the Holy Spirit from God's Word but they have no inclination to force or manipulate others to think as they do. They calmly present their viewpoint and allow others to make their own choices. Stong people share their views as one would share with a friend, the narcissist only instructs to dominate.
The narcissist cannot tolerate viewpoints other than their own. They use intimidation, mocking, and demeaning to cause feelings of frustration in those they wish to dominate.
When we are secure in Christ we present our views calmly with joy and allow the other person hearing to have their own view. We know that Christ is in control of us and He is also the One Who grows the seeds that we plant.
When someone is overwhelmed constantly with the desire to control how others think they are walking in sin. They are more interested in winning a discussion than they are in discovering the truth. Their way is the only way and everyone else better fall in line or there will be punishment for the independent thinker.
The punishment comes in the form of rejection, shunning, and exclusion from the group. This is referred to as "group think", those who cannot accept anyone else as part of the group unless they fall in line with the "ring leaders" of the group.
Narcissists are deeply jealous of anyone they perceive as having accomplished something the narcissist has not done. They are jealous of those who are independent thinkers because the independent thinkers need not follow anyone but Christ.
Narcissists consider themselves sinless, the very reason they have no empathy when a born-again believer is repenting from their sin. Their common response is "why did you do it", rather than the joy that someone has repented. They use phrases like this because they do not believe they sin, the very reason they never confess to be cleansed. And, they hold past forgiven sins against others as a way of feeling superior to them.
1 John 1:9 "9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
No one will be forgiven for past sins until they confess them. This passage in 1 John was written to the churches. Only those who have the Holy Spirit will be forgiven for confessed sin. Anyone who holds past forgiven sins against another human being is not born again. They are pretenders, it is a command of God to forgive those who have confessed their sins.
Narcissists show no compassion, no empathy and never forgiveness toward others. They also do not confess their own sins, since they believe they had good reasons for the things they did, they believe they do not sin.
The world is becoming increasingly narcissistic. This is the very reason the church is becoming apostate. The attendees have been raised on self-esteem and are not hearing messages of repentance to cleanse them from their sin.
It is vitally important that we evaluate ourselves according to God's Word, asking the question, "have I really become born-again, or am I a pretender doing church because it feels safe."
We all have tendencies to think of ourselves first, the very reason we must be reading God's Word daily with the purpose of learning His heart, loving Him more fully every day through our obedience to Him.
No one can say they have never had temptations to act in narcissistic ways. No one can claim they have never sinned. We must grow in holiness through confession of sin determined to never commit those same sins again. If we commit the same sins over and over again we are not sorry enough for them to turn from them.
Life is a growing experience all our lives unless we have "lost our first love" and are determined to appear good in the eyes of man.
In Matthew 23 there is a description of the religious leaders of Christ's day that correlates well with a description of the modern religious leaders of our day. It also describes many church attendees, who love to appear good and special but are not born-again.
Matthew 23:4-6 "…4 They tie up heavy, burdensome loads and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. 5 All their deeds are done for men to see. They broaden their phylacteries and lengthen their tassels. 6 They love the places of honor at banquets, the chief seats in the synagogues,…"
God tells us as believers to grow in holiness.
Romans 12:1-2
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
1 Peter 1:16
"because it is written, "Be holy, for I am holy."
1 John 3:3
"And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure."
Romans 6:4
"Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."
There are many people in the churches today who believe they deserve to be saved because they are so good. These people cannot possibly be born again.
It is only those who have a broken and contrite spirit who will be saved.
Psalm 51:16-17 "…16 For You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; You take no pleasure in burnt offerings. 17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise."
A contrite heart is one filled with guilt and remorse, even meaning "smashed", completely broken over the knowledge of sinfulness in themselves.
No one who is proud can have a heart like this to become born-again. Anyone who remains prideful, jealous, and competitive cannot have a contrite heart.
Matthew 23:12
"12 Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."
This is not the phony display of humility to be accepted by men, it is the knowledge that we do not deserve anything but death. This knowledge of our nature allows us to trust in Christ. He then gives us the character traits of Himself Who lives in us when we become born-again.
Galatians 5:22-23
"22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
A prideful person who is in competition with others cannot have this fruit.
James 4:6-7 " 6 But He gives us more grace. This is why it says: “ God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” 7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.…"
May we all search our hearts to see if we are pleasing God. Afterall, we can please man easily by becoming like them, but in order to please God we must become like Christ.
1 John 2:6
6 whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.
Galatians 2:20
"20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
Romans 12:1-2
"12:1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."
