I have been encountering many people in the 50's to 60's age group who are experiencing adult child estrangement. Never did I think I would be meeting this many people who have nasty adult children.
The disrespect I am hearing about is shocking, not to mention the mentality that parents owe the adult children whatever resources they have. These adult children are hyper-sensitive to correction, criticism and rebuke much more than we ever were when we were young. We used to get embarrassed, but never thought about completely cutting someone off because they told us the truth or offered an opinion we didn't like.
Correction and straight talk was a normal course of life in my generation. Everyone spoke their mind, even in harsh terms if need be, but no one was cut them off permanently for their opinion or their correction. Now days when an adult child is rebuked or corrected, they tend to sever all ties to the parent, much the way a murder victims survivor would, no matter how small the correction was, since no disciplinary words would be acceptable under any circumstance.
In-law children play a huge roll in destroying parental ties to bio family. Most of my research shows that women are more likely to cut off their mothers in law than men are their mothers in law. Notice too, its about the mothers. The fathers are not being treated the same way as the mothers. The only thing I can figure out is that the mothers are more vocal about their feelings and thoughts than the men are, so they take the brunt of the abuse from adult children and in laws. Women are also hard wired to be teachers of the young, they are less likely to let an error pass without input.
Our culture has been raised on self esteem for the past 50 years, narcissism has grown exponentially without restraint. Our generation has raised the children to feel equal to the authority over them, therefore thinking they have every right to ignore God's mandates to honor the authorities He placed over them. They are full of arrogance, incensed at anyone who would dare to tell them they were wrong about something while feeling free to lecture and instruct their parents.
I have come to the conclusion that most fathers have not defended and upheld the integrity of their wives. The women are much more of a target because they are perceived as being weaker, easier prey. When the adult children have a sense that they want to be seen as good people but still want to punish the corrector, they will use insidious ploys to covertly carry out revenge under the radar.
While reading a post today about a woman who had been working through the sadness and grief of disrespectful and mean adult children, something that she said struck me between the eyes, the realization that she did the best she could, that it was the perspective of the adult children that was the problem.
So often when someone is unjust or mean we tend to wonder if we really did do something wrong, but upon serious reflection, we often are doing what is right, instructing and correcting as commanded by God, but the children are convicted, rather than being humbled and growing they fight in anger resisting our teaching.
All this is a product of our times of rebellion as mentioned in 2 Timothy 3. We could say that part of it is our problem, no one is perfect, however the onus is on the child to honor the parent, it comes from God's Word.
When I tried to teach my children to call adults "Mr. and Mrs." and their last names, I was met often with adults who would not allow it, they would correct me and tell the children to call them by their first names, this undermined my authority and diminished respect for authority to equality with adults. When these same children grow up, they take with them the attitude that parents are to always be treated like peers rather than honored as above themselves. Once that honor is gone, there is no getting it back, the next generation does not know how to do it, nor do they begin to understand it.
We made this mess in one generation, through the teaching of self esteem in the schools, then it traveled into the churches and morphed into something much more monstrous and insidious than anyone expected. Now many parents are estranged from their adult children and even from their grandchildren. Grandchildren take on the attitudes of their parents over time, parents teach their grandchildren by example how to treat grandparents.
There is only one solution to all this mess, that is to stay close to God, pray continually and enjoy the time God has given you to be alone with Him. Perhaps one day some elderly parents will regain their families, but perhaps not, and if not, then we have Christ living in us. He provides all our needs and the love too! And, in the mean time God can work on those adult children, letting Him is better anyway. Removing ourselves may be the best medicine for us and for them.
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