When encountering a narcissist, it is common to think we have done something wrong, even when we had done something kind to the narcissist, they will act as though we had done something wrong.
One way to evaluate if we are the one who caused trouble, is to ask God first and then evaluate what actually happened. When I have been wrong the Holy Spirit tells me, I cannot rest until I have made it right. However, when I can't figure out what I did and the narcissist refuses to engage in conversation about what happened, then I know I probably was not at fault.
One of the tactics of a narcissist is to deliberately refuse to work something out to help us understand, they know they are guilty and they enjoy the contempt and power they receive from keeping us, in their minds, in a one down position, while holding onto their false ideas about us.
The only solution to this problem of deliberate lack of communication to fix a matter is to remove ourselves from the relationship, if this occurs on a regular basis, go to prayer and wait for God to tell us when to begin contact again.
Without HONEST communication and the DESIRE TO RECONCILE a relationship, there can be no fellowship. True friends are grieved when there is a misunderstanding and desire to make things right, especially when they have been convicted of sin against another person. A godly friend will feel terrible that things are not pleasing to their friend, or that their friend is grieving over something.
A narcissist enjoys watching their target grieve, even getting a high from it. It is a devilish response to the plight of others. The only time a narcissist will help another person, is if it makes them elevated in the eyes of onlookers. Narcissists hardly ever do covert and hidden acts of kindness, there is always an audience.
Satan can keep us continually on the defensive all the time for no good reason, by using contentious people to unnerve us. In 2 Timothy 3:1-5 God tells us clearly to disengage with these people.
2 Timothy 3:1-5
"3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.
2 For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,
3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,
4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
5 holding to a form of [b]godliness, although they have denied its power; AVOID SUCH MEN AS THESE."
Proverbs 26:21 "Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife."
2 Timothy 2:23-25 "Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth,"
Proverbs 16:28 "A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends."
James 4:1-3 "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. "
The narcissist will also work to turn others against us by their relaying of false information based on their twisted view because of their contempt for us. Remember when Christ was accused of "claiming He was god", when He really is God. He went to the cross because evil men accused Him of things, much of them were lies against Him. They denied His good deeds much like the narcissist will deny our good deeds. The Pharisees were so full of themselves that they could not admit that there was One greater than themselves. They oppressed everyone under their authority needlessly simply to control them.
The apostles were martyred because they were believers not because they did anything wrong but because they did what was righteous.
Proverbs 26:20 "For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases."
When we remove the contentious and contemptuous person from our lives the peace and joy that we were robbed of, returns in abundance.
We will encounter many more of these types as the time gets closer to the Lord's return. We do not avoid completely all people who are this way, that would be impossible, however, we do not allow them to linger in our lives continually causing problems, which only would help to validate them. We must seek the Lord in when to remove them if it is His Will.
No one learns without consequences, far too often in our culture there is no discipline for bad behavior or the discipline is so mild that lessons are not learned. Because of our indulgent mentality, we have failed to teach good Christian principles while raising up monsters who are demanding and contribute little.
2 Corinthians 12:20-21 " 20 For I am afraid that perhaps when I come I may find you to be not what I wish and may be found by you to be not what you wish; that perhaps there will be strife, jealousy, angry tempers, disputes, slanders, gossip, arrogance, disturbances;
21 I am afraid that when I come again my God may humiliate me before you, and I may mourn over many of those who have sinned in the past and not repented of the impurity, immorality and sensuality which they have practiced."
I am noticing here in 2 Corinthians that Paul wrote very boldly to the Corinthian believers, so boldly, that if spoken today, he would be summarily rejected even before he came, perhaps asked not to come.
Our culture is waxing worse and worse, if we are not aware of the tactics and manipulations we may be intimidated into silence. Let's learn the tactics of the devil, stand boldly against them and thwart them where possible through removal of ourselves from their influence.
Titus 3:10 "As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him,"
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