If a parent over emphasizes their own appearance the child will become obsessed with their appearance while neglecting to develop their character.
"More is caught than taught" is an old saying that attests that children will be more influenced by the behavior of their parents than they are by their words.
Our actions must match our words. Children seem to be able to recognize a hypocrite. Another old saying I heard growing up; "you actions speak so loud I can't hear a word you are saying." Children tend to emulate what they see their authorities are modeling every day.
If there is a narcissistic parent in the family who flatters too much or focuses on outer appearance or personal accomplishments more than character then the children will make these things more important than character.
When the child is trained to be accomplished and look good on the outside while neglecting their inner character the child will not see character as important.
The parent who is attempting to teach character qualities will be ineffective if the narcissistic parent continually ignores the good teaching while dominating in the area of fun, games and praise.
Sisters and brothers it is important that you choose a spouse who understands the value of building character in a child over and above any personal accomplishment or flattery.
Psalm 12:2-3
They speak falsehood to one another; With flattering lips and with a double heart they speak. May the LORD cut off all flattering lips, The tongue that speaks great things;
Psalm 55:20-21
He has put forth his hands against those who were at peace with him; He has violated his covenant. His speech was smoother than butter, But his heart was war; His words were softer than oil, Yet they were drawn swords.
Proverbs 28:23
He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor Than he who flatters with the tongue.
There is a difference between flattery that builds pride and encouragement that helps build character. Encouragement includes training, instruction and correction to lead in the right direction. Flattery does nothing more than disarm someone to focus on self and superficial vain glory, rather than their growth and improvement.
It is good to tell a child they did a good job if they really did. It is good to tell a child they could have done better when you knew they were capable of more but were acting lazy. Both of these things are encouragement. One says, "that's good, keep going", the other says, "begin again that wasn't your best."
Flattery is not encouragement nor is praising a child who was lazy just for getting a job done when it was not done right. God will not give rewards in heaven just for participation in life.
Flattery is condemned by God, it brings ruin rather than improvement.
Our goal in raising children ought to help them with the skills that will build their character to get along in this life with integrity.
Never, never, never praise a child for doing better than someone else. Encourage a child for doing his best but never in comparison to someone else.
I have known many people who were raised to glory in how much better than someone else did in sports or some other competition. These people transferred their competitive spirit to being better than others in every area of their lives. They compared themselves, bragged about themselves and even treated contemptuously those they considered to be beneath them because they were not as proficient in something as the one who was competitive.
Competition with oneself can be productive, competition with someone else builds arrogance and destroys relationships.
Do your best at whatever you do while paying little attention to comparing yourself with someone else.
2 Corinthians 10:12 "12 We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they show their ignorance."
Competing with someone else is the same as hoping that other person loses so that you can win or be superior. We see a lot of this in our culture today.
Sadly so many children are taught these days to focus on being better than others rather than on just being better themselves today than they were yesterday, this brings improvement and personal growth.
As a child I remember a young man who beat up a "bully" on the bus on the way home. His family praised that young man for being stronger and bigger and able to beat up the bully.
Sadly the family assumed the young man was telling the truth that the other guy was a bully. The truth was that the young man was working his mouth in disparaging ways that upset the "bully" so this person who was called a bully was provoked into a fight by the young man and was not the real bully at all.
The young man bullied with his mouth and provoked a fight. But because the family did not have the sense to realize the young man framed the whole thing as the fault of the other person they automatically took the word of the favored son encouraging him to believe his wicked words were alright as long as he didn't throw the first punch. Golden children are always enabled to be bullies by their narcissistic parents.
God never tells us in His word to be better than someone else, He instructs us to grow in holiness ourselves and leave the others to God.
When Christ is our focus we can hardly think we are good or better than anyone. When we compare ourselves to Christ we see the need for continual improvement. When we compare ourselves with others we will always find others we perceive as less than us, not necessarily true but our perception is powerful, it drives us to focus on diminishing others to elevate self.
It is good to do our best and get a prize for it. It is also good to hope that others do their best and also get a prize too. Prizes are not for those who lose in competition, but the graciousness of the winner will show their compassion and love for their opponent. Losing motivates us to improve ourselves not to hope that the other person fail in some way so we can win.
This is the motivation of the narcissist, they desire the failure of their target to be able to be superior rather than evaluating themselves to improve on their own character.
Guard against the lies of this culture that we should strive to be better than others and go on to focus on Christ to become more like Him as we confess needed changes in ourselves.
No comments:
Post a Comment