I know of a woman who encounters narcissists on a regular basis. She has noticed over the years that the mindset of the selfish person is so continually on themselves that every decision is based on their desire to be superior to others.
Let's take the example of an encounter she had when she had a perm many years ago before going to a family function. One of the narcissists in the group began laughing at her. She asked what the woman was laughing at and she replied; "your hair looks so funny." This woman prided herself on being an "honest person", when really she was not being honest she was merely being rude.
Let's analyze this encounter a little to understand what really happened. The woman who was pridefully honest wasn't speaking for everyone else in the room, she was only expressing her own opinion about the hair. Because she didn't like the hair she thought it was alright to mock and demean the one who had a new hairstyle.
The thing that was astounding was that no one else in the room chastised her for her rudeness, in fact, they laughed with her. One of them even blurted out the most foolish statement that she had ever heard. The other woman said; "its good to laugh" in validation of the rudeness.
What does that mean, "its good to laugh"? Is it good to laugh at others because we have a different style? Is it good to laugh at a funeral when everyone else is sad? Is it good to laugh when someone is in a car wreck? The statement "its good to laugh" was meant to make the rude woman feel right about her rudeness. Never mind that the offended woman was standing right there in front of them as they mocked her.
There are narcissists who think their opinion is so perfect that they can never validate another person's happiness unless they are measuring up to the narcissist's idea of good. The narcissist's opinion of everything is all that matters to them.
On another occasion the woman who was the family scapegoat enjoyed garage sales and thrift stores, bringing home treasures that she and her husband enjoyed. Her walls were covered in interesting pictures and flower arrangements that were color-coordinated with the rest of her decor and she did it all on a budget.
The narcissist walks into the home and boldly proclaims that there are too many things on the walls as they mock what she has done. It was clear that the family of the narcissist had been discussing the foolishness of his grandparent leaving the narcissist completely at ease mocking his grandmother while she stood right in front of him.
Having been trained by the Holy Spirit to just let the comments go she said nothing realizing then and more evidence came later that she was the butt of many jokes in that family system. The disdain for her was clear from the covertly mean comments and even their silence when grandmother would share something important to her.
By the way, a wise person can tell the difference between a genuine joke and mocking, it's not hard to discern when all the other actions of these people have been rude continually.
Narcissists are all around us but often they can only be discerned by their targets the scapegoats. Others who have never been treated rudely often do not recognize the impolite digs and pokes.
When there is a narcissistic family system there must always be a scapegoat. The one person who thinks for themselves without depending on the approval of all the other members. Those who are confident in what they believe and live it out will always be hated by those who cannot seem to function on their own outside the family cult.
Everything the scapegoat says and does will be seen as foolish merely because it was them who said or did it.
When there is a pattern of ignoring, mocking, dismissing and excluding a particular person we know that a narcissist is involved. The narcissists cannot think on their own without the validation of others, they must fall in line with the other narcissists who are keeping them in bondage to their own oppressive system.
The very reason Jesus Christ was reviled by most people when He was on earth was because He brought conviction of sin, but not only that He brought a solution to it. The people didn't want His solution or His kindness.
Mankind does not like those who love to be kind so it attempts to provoke empathetic loving people to anger to be able to endorse their own hateful character.
"See how you are" is the mantra of the narcissist who provokes others and accuses them when they respond in frustration.
You see, a kind person is not someone who is kind to those they wish to impress. A kind person is always kind to everyone even when no one else is looking. Kindness is their character through and through not just a manipulative trick to bring out when needed.
A kind person does not have an agenda of self, they don't think about themselves very much. The narcissist is always only thinking about themselves in everything all the time. Even their kind acts are done to impress and manipulate others.
Matthew 6:1 "1“Be careful not to perform your righteous acts before men to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."
The first response of a person when in the company of others is what is deep inside the soul.
We can only do kind and loving responses to life automatically if we are kind-hearted people.
Someone who is not kind-hearted can only pretend and eventually will be exposed for what they are on the inside. Discerning Christians can see the phoniness in someone early on because they know what authentic kindness looks like they will recognize the fake kindness almost immediately.
So what is the answer for the scapegoat? It's really quite simple, when we have to be in company with a narcissist we can ignore their rude comments and avoid those people whenever possible.
Once we realize we cannot change them and they are nothing but trouble to us we can remove ourselves in favor of the company of authentic believers who have the fruit of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23
"22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
We are living in a world right now in which kindness is seen as a weakness, self-sacrifice is seen as foolish and rudeness is seen as a strength.
The devil always convinces people of the opposite of what God loves.
Narcissism is the weakness controlled by the devil and Christ-centered hearts are the strength, make no mistake about this. We live in a deeply selfish world we must learn to navigate through it without being triggered by the narcissists in it. We must be controlled by Christ.
Controlled by Christ not triggered by the narcissists, remember this.
2 Corinthians 12:9
"9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast [a]about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."
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