When we stop having expectations of others and begin trusting entirely in Christ for our love and companionship is when we become free.
Co-dependency is a state of continual fear that we must live up to the ideas and standards of others to be loved and accepted by them.
When this happens we know that the person we are so tied to can reject us at any time if we do not say, do or pretend to be exactly what they want us to be.
Christ Who lives in us is not like this, He knows what we are and still loves us. Christ never leaves those who have dedicated their lives to Him. He never treats us with hatred or contempt because we have not been perfect.
2 Timothy 2:12-14 "…12 if we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny Him, He will also deny us; 13 if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself. 14 Remind the believers of these things, charging them before God to avoid quarreling over words, which succeeds only in leading the listeners to ruin.…"
If those we love reject us because of a disagreement or a perceived offense we know that people are like this but God is not this way. He loves us even while knowing we are not perfect.
When a family member or a friend chooses not to attempt to understand us or speak to us to resolve an offense then we can say we did what we could and leave it to God.
Those who are narcissists want us to ruminate and fester over things that would have been seen as insignificant by rational loving people. Narcissists love to make mountains out of molehills and then blame their target for the problem the narcissist created.
Those who love God do not easily take offense, nor do they wish to believe the worst about others.
1 Corinthians 13:4-6 "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs.
6 Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth."
I have met many narcissists and I have met many godly people who are sold out to Jesus Christ. The godly people are almost never angry and they do not see an offense around every corner, but the narcissist is this way, causing trouble continually where there need not be any trouble.
Why do narcissists seek out trouble where there need not be any? Its because they are so completely self-absorbed that they see the smallest matters as offenses against them. They will be angry when their target chooses their own way, merely not choosing the way of the narcissist is seen as a personal attack.
"1 Corinthians 10:24 No one should seek his own good, but the good of others."
Those who seek their own way without regard to the needs and feelings of others will be trouble makers over many things, mostly perceived without merit.
When we love someone we desire difficult matters to be resolved to continue in the relationship stronger than it was before.
What are the elements of love?
Patient, Kind, does not envy, does not boast is not proud, Not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, takes no pleasure in evil, this might include not enjoying gossip.
When we ponder closely each trait God says love has no part in, it can help us evaluate our own lives to see how we respond to situations with people. Do we think of the other person first making sure we were not any of these negative traits without attempting to make excuses for our own bad behavior?
It is astounding how narcissists can be rude and then blame their target for telling them they were rude. Rather than being ashamed for acting badly they become angry that they were confronted and accountable.
The more we confess our own bad attitudes, words and actions the less we will practice sin in our lives. Growing in holiness is a command of God. The only way to grow in holiness is to self-reflect asking God to show us where we fail and to confess to those we have offended so that we might be cleansed.
1 John 1:9 "9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
James 5:15-16 "…15 And the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick. The Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail."
There cannot be healing of a relationship when the offender will not confess. Trust is lost when there is no confession and can only be restored when there is a confession of the offense, followed by a desire to be changed by Christ.
This can only happen through humility and brokenness over sin.
May we be humble enough to admit our failings and willing to act differently from the way we did before the confession.
A change in behavior is the only evidence that there was true contrition. However, if there is a temporary change as a form of covert manipulation without confession there is little expectancy that the offender was truly sorry and concerned about the relationship.
A narcissist might change their behavior hoping it will manipulate the offended to forgive them and continue the relationship. When this happens the offended party will not fully trust the narcissist, it is a pattern to change temporarily without having to confess.
If there is confession and a change in behavior then we can forgive and carry on the relationship as though the offense never happened.
Luke 17:3-4 "…3 Watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 Even if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times returns to say, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”"
We must confess and repent, (change our mind about the sin) to be forgiven. When we have realized the act or words were sinful and confess then it is not likely that the offensive actions or words will continue. Those who see this happen are more likely and should forgive and carry on the relationship.
Bottom line: Humility and a desire to make right what was wrong is the only way for a relationship to continue, it is God's formula.
