The misunderstanding in our culture today about forgiveness has solidified the sin in the hearts of those who think no sorrow over sin is required to restore a relationships, whether it between men or God.
Psychology has, for the most part fostered a mentality of selfishness, as a culture we say we forgive others "for our own sake." That is not at all what the Bible teaches.
Everything we do with others is for their sake. When I spank a child who has disobeyed, the discipline is for the child's sake, to teach him right from wrong and to redirect his behavior.
Our culture doesn't like the feeling of having to discipline so, for their own sake they don't do it and the child becomes hateful, selfish and rebellious all through his life because his parents didn't care so much about him as they did about themselves and their own good feelings.
Proverbs 13:24
"He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently."
Perhaps we could say, he who will not rebuke a friend, hates him, because self is more important than the spiritual well being of the friend.
Those who withhold discipline from brothers and sisters in Christ are selfish. They are more concerned about their own good feelings than the long term benefit of a reconciled relationship. Reconciliation God's way is hard work, brings sadness and even the loss of a rebellious friend, nevertheless, in the long term it can cause a brother to be repentant and to be restored.
If a brother refuses discipline and is not restored, that is upon him, however if we did nothing to attempt the fostering of repentance in the heart of a sinning brother, then we are held responsible for taking lightly the sin against God and others.
Our culture likes the misunderstanding about forgiveness because that relieves them of the responsibility of going to the sinning brother, the battle they might have in the process of attempting to bring truth to the brother and the sadness of those looking on who may judge them as "unforgiving", when they have to release the relationship, turning the brother or sister over to satan that they might learn to obey God.
The following passage is dealing with sin in the body rather than personal sin between two friends. However it is a principle that applies when handling sin. All sin is to be handled, if it is left alone, or ignored, then it grows and brings devastation to the soul of the unrepentant heart.
1 Corinthians 5:1-13
"1 It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father’s wife.
2 You have become arrogant and have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst.
3 For I, on my part, though absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged him who has so committed this, as though I were present.
4 In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus,
5 I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.
6 Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?
7 Clean out the old leaven so that you may be a new lump, just as you are in fact unleavened. For Christ our Passover also has been sacrificed.
8 Therefore let us celebrate the feast, not with old leaven, nor with the leaven of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.
9 I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people;
10 I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world.
11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one.
12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church?
13 But those who are outside, God judges. Remove the wicked man from among yourselves."
The personal sin between two believers should be handled and not ignored, for the sake of the offender more than the offended. When we "let things go, they grow."
Matthew 18:15-18
"15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
18 Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."
For a sin that is public, God tells us to rebuke publicly.
1 Timothy 5:20
"Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear."
You see by the previous and following verses that repentance, forgiveness and restoration are not only for the individual, that they might be ashamed and confess their sin, but also for the example to the rest of the church.
Titus 1:13
"This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith;"
We have had a wrong view of forgiveness in our churches and families, causing many to continue in sin without shame, because they expect to be forgiven without having to obey Christ. They arrogantly proclaim to others; "they should just forgive me", while remaining in their sin, continuing in rebellion and even having that rebellion solidified by flippant dogmas that are not Biblical.
Our churches are in an apostate mess because of this impertinent and perverted view of forgiveness. More damage has been done to believers through the pressure to "just forgive" an offender, when the offended was deeply harmed. The attempt to make an innocent party feel guilty for not forgiving when the offender refuses to change their heart or behavior, is a way of bludgeoning the innocent, while coddling the guilty.
How foolish it is to stand in court and say "I forgive you" to an unrepentant murderer, who is arrogant. He is being told, by well meaning but misguided victims that no matter what he does God will forgive him. When we forgive, when God has not, then we place ourselves above God.
We forget that repentance is cleansing and wipes out all guilt, allowing a person to push forward, restoring their soul and the subsequent actions that follow a changed heart.
If you love the perp in a crime, do not say you forgive him, tell him about Christ, where his sin will lead and the good news that Christ offered forgiveness if he will just confess his sinfulness, then God can save him from his own sin and hell.
It is easier to stand in front of an offender and just say "I forgive you", than it is to go through the process of witnessing the true gospel while at times having to be disappointed at the response that leaves them in their lost state. Many will reject the truth, God said it would be that way, but that should not stop us from doing things God's way. The modern church is lazy, they want to do the easy thing that takes the least amount of time and makes them feel wonderful "about themselves."
If you sin against me, I will tell you, if you repent we can be friends, but if you do not repent, and continue in your sin against me, then you will not be my companion or friend. If you repent later, seeing the need to confess and change your mind, then our relationship will be restored. I want to forgive those who have offended, but they prevent me from it by their unrepentence. I love you too much to watch you harden your heart toward sin because no one would call you to account. whether or not our relationships is restored is up to God.
Let's no longer badger the offended party to forgive an unrepentant offender, rather, pray with the one who is offended, upholding them and praying for the perp to see their sin and desire to be restored.
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