The same mentality of control on the part of a prideful person, are evident in both the male and female narcissists, however the forms they take are a little different.
For instance a man will tend to be more overt, openly defiant, angry or manipulative with words, while a woman will be much more subtle. Women tend to be caddy, they are covertly manipulative demonstrating what is called "plausible deniability", a tactic many politicians use.
In other words if you confront a woman about what she is doing that is mean, her actions or words are subtle enough that others don't see it and she can deny what was meant by it.
Another way to discern if we are dealing with a narcissist is that they tend to continually operate the same way as a lifestyle rather than in response to special circumstances, it is not a one time thing or a rare occurrence, the continual demonstration of control over others is a clue that we are dealing with a narcissist.
All of us fail and do things that we need to confess and stop, sadly it is normal in our flesh to fail at times, this does not make our character narcissistic.
One of the ways to tell if a narcissist is being covertly mean, is that they will rage, cry or mock us, when asked to explain themselves. A normal person who was innocent, will be surprised and empathize with feelings of others, while explaining quickly what she meant. There will be no guile in the heart of an innocent person who meant no harm, she/he will want to make things clear so that any misunderstanding will be eliminated.
A covert narcissists when confronted often will say things like "I don't know what your talking about" or when asked why they did something they will retort with; "I don't know." You will not be able to get answers from a narcissists, except to deny without explanation. The last thing the narcissist wants is to be open and honest, they thrive on secrecy, it is a way of hiding their motives and intent.
The key to discerning whether someone is acting in guile is determined by how they respond when asked to explain.
Proverbs 29:9 "When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, The foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest."
Proverbs 15:18 "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention."
James 1:20 "For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."
Someone who has no guile in their heart will want more than anything to discuss things to dissolve all misunderstandings.
Someone who meant harm will fight to hide what has been done through defending it or denying it. Hiding is a strong clue that a person is guilty.
Proverbs 28:1 "The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as a lion."
Thankfully as believers we don't have to respond to the tactics of the narcissist, we can maintain our calm stance, confronting things as led by the Holy Spirit and removing ourselves when we see our human efforts to resolve a matter have no effect.
Proverbs 23:9 "Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, For he will despise the wisdom of your words."
Proverbs 22:24 "Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man,"
Someone who is a manipulator, a liar and a deceiver, cannot be helped by any man, that person must be taken through God's discipline and chastisement. When we see that our efforts to make sense of a situation are not helping, then it is time to walk away and let God do His work. He knows better than we, what is needed, since He can see into the heart of another man, He can bring about circumstances that compel the evil one to repent.
Acts 3:19 ""Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord;"
When someone has acted badly and they have repented, they will be open, honest and saddened by their sin, desiring to restore a relationship through confession.
Anyone who wants to restore a relationships without confessing, pretending that nothing happened, is not repentant, they are merely tired of the separation while using more manipulation to bring the victim back into their life. When we require confession we are helping them to see the serious nature of their sin. Anyone who will not confront a friend over sin, who will not require confession, is one who robs the sinner of the opportunity to be cleansed.
Confession is not an easy thing, if someone gets to the point of openly confessing disclosing details of their sin, then we can be sure they really do want to turn away from that sin. When we have to humble ourselves to this degree, it is not likely we will repeat that sin again.
Confession of sin is cleansing, it is necessary to expunge from our lives that sin that held us captive.
1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
Proverbs 28:13 "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."
When we do not require confession and repentance from those who have offended us, we are thinking only of our own comfort, we don't like to feel bad so we give up the process of healing by subverting God's way in favor of our own pleasure and our own pain elevated.
Not requiring the proper responses to a broken relationship is like taking the cake out of the oven too soon because we want to eat cake, but it comes out all wrong, not all the way it should look when it is done. We are am impatient culture, a fast food fix for everything is the method used to carryon to "feel" good. We are not willing to go through the hard stuff for the best result.
Aren't you glad the builders of sky scrapers don't think like that? How about the cobbler who makes shoes or the garment industry that would only baste the garment together making it weak and useless?
When we do things God's way, the results are wonderful and permanent. When we do things man's way, we end up with the culture we have right now, selfish, lacking empathy and enraged when we don't get our own way.
I want to do things God's way even if that means being hated and alone for a time, that God might work the greater good.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
I guess that means "ALL THINGS" work together, even the difficult things we have to do.
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