Pray and See the Clues

Young people, before you marry, pray and educate yourself on the signs of narcissism. Someone does not change into something after marriage that they were not before marriage.

There are signs that we can see if we know what to look for, in someone who might be abusive or arrogant.

In every case where there is an abusive spouse, the clues were there all along before one made those marriage vows. The problem is that so many young people refuse to believe those who know the signs, excusing away the clues they see, only to have the traits of their narcissist emerging more boldly after the wedding.

Through prayer, direction from the Holy Spirit and equipped with the knowledge of the tactics and traits of a narcissist, a woman can avoid committing to a man who will probably abuse her, whether it is physically or emotionally.

Yes, women can be abusive too, but in my generation more often it was the man who was the abuser. It could be that this has changed because of the feminist movement where women feel empowered to be more aggressive.

For those who are believers, expect a potential spouse to be on their best behavior, willing to hide the real self to win you. If they are the one suggesting Bible study and prayer together, wonderful. However, if you are the one having to always suggest these important things in which them men should be leading, then run like the wind. A man who will leave all the work of guiding and studying to the woman will not lead and protect his family, in anything.

Sadly, many young women over the years would not listen and remain stuck with a man who shows little or no interest in her outside the bedroom. Or, even worse these women end up divorced with children who are angry at the whole mess, forever doomed to a life without support of a man or even their community. Don't make this mistake, thinking that "love is all you need." That little ditty, spawned by a popular rock group in the '60's is a lie.

The love these songs portray is not love but infatuation that is temporary at best, based alone on personal pleasure and happy times. When the tough stuff comes, the people who were dedicated to their feelings of infatuation, suddenly disappear, divorcing, in search of another high, never able to love the way Christ told us to love.

Most people in our children's generation marry for their own pleasure, when that pleasure diminishes and the hard work of marriage and children arise, they become unglued. Having been pampered and babied all their lives to believe they are special and deserving of anything they desire, they bolt as soon as the going gets tough. We know this because of the present divorce rate, and sadly it is in the church too.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7 [a]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Our culture looks to the heroes out there hoping to hitch themselves to the wagon of the hero. Perhaps we should look to the heroes who stuck out their marriages for many years no matter what. These are the people that we can learn from, not those who have failed marriages, thinking we can use the excuses they used to get rid of the old to get some new adulation.

We don't have to marry those who would abuse us, we can seek God, wait on Him and learn what a godly person looks like from the inside out.