It is important to remember that it is seeking God to change us that allows us to change and grow. Attempting to achieve goodness in our own flesh will not last, is empty and fruitless.
Self effort is nothing more than self worship, thinking one can make themselves good or better by their own effort will collapse in on them when they become too old and tired to keep up the pretense.
We must desire for Christ to change us into His image. The dependence on Christ for change ought to be the first and only method of changing ourselves. It is His work in us, not self effort.
Ephesians 2:10
"10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
When we have sinned, failing to be what we should, our first response ought to be to confess that sin, asking the Lord to work in us what we should be. Without confession there can be no change.
If someone has so much pride that they cannot speak openly their sins or failures, they will never grow in holiness or maturity. We see many people who seem immature even into old age, as though they never learned a thing from life. Very likely this happens because they have neglected to confess their faults over their lifetime, leaning into their emotional responses of defensiveness all their life, left them spiritual and emotional toddlers. Their bodies may be 70, but their mentality is that of a toddler.
Ephesians 4:13-15 "…13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God, as we mature to the full measure of the stature of Christ. 14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed about by the waves and carried around by every wind of teaching and by the clever cunning of men in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ Himself, who is the head.…"
Emotional toddlers often accuse others of being mean for correcting, even calling them unloving because they don't like the message, when the toddler is the one who acts in covertly unkind and manipulative ways.
Have you ever heard a toddler say to their mother, "I don't love you", to cause hurt feelings to get their mother to give them what they want? This is the tactic of the narcissist, using the silent treatment, calling others hateful and demonstrating haughtiness, the narcissist will attempt to guilt their target into submission. They are not capable of self reflection to resolve a matter, admitting their part in the conflict. They must beat down anyone who pokes holes in their elevated view of themselves.
If we are to avoid the becoming a narcissist we must be able and willing to confess our faults and shortcomings. Narcissists defend vehement everything they do to avoid having to face their real selves.
Pretense is the practice of the narcissist, they fear being exposed which is why they become so angry when anyone with ill intent is exposed. Exposure frightens them because they know the anger and jealousy that lives deeply in their soul and they must hide it.
Proverbs 28:13
"He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion."
Therein lies the answer to the problem of sin, confession and appealing to God to change our heart. Changing actions without a heart change is not pleasing to God. He wants our heart to change, the change of heart will cause a change in actions and attitudes.
2 Corinthians 5:17
"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."
Ezekiel 36:26
"Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
Psalm 51:10
"Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me."
If someone is still angry and raging, refusing to discuss matters with the other person in mind for resolution of the problem, then they are not confessing their sin of anger, their sin of pride and their sin of withholding of love.
The most unloving, prideful and mean spirited people are those who accuse others of what they are, but the others are not. It is the favored tactic of the devil.
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