I am convinced now that narcissists are driven to appear superior because of shame within themselves.
However, that shame is not necessarily because they were shamed as children. What I have been observing for the past 60 years, has been that shame the narcissist feels is coming from the shame they incur when they treat others badly.
They know they are being rude, mean and judgmental about unimportant or contrived matters. This will cause shame that they must continually deny. When denial doesn't work they move on to excuse making, justification of their wrong and making the person they harmed the blame for the narcissist bad behavior.
I remember a child being careless while carrying a glass of milk. They were foolishly dancing as they went, bumping into a sibling. Of course it made the milk spill. The response of a small child is "look what you made me do when you bumped into me."
Notice that this is a response of a small child, not an adult. A mature adult would say, "that was silly of me, sorry I bumped you."
The mentality of the narcissist is that of a bratty six year old. They cannot self reflect to be able to admit and confess their error. Even the slightest silliest flaw makes them feel like a complete failure. They have heaped up for themselves years of sins against others, each one bringing more shame.
Because so many people were just forgiving them without requirement of brokenness over their sin, they grew worse until their conscience failed to operate any more. The forgiveness made the forgiver feel better about themselves but did nothing to help the bully. This is not love, its just plain selfish.
When we have been battered all our lives by those who made us the scapegoat we will feel shamed a lot about nothing important.
Then too there are those who have spent a lifetime being mean to others, over time they develop some shame for their actions. These sort of narcissists must constantly cover up their shame by more bullying and greater excuses for blaming others.
When sin is not confessed regularly it grows more frequent and intense. When sin is full blown without remorse the conscience becomes seared, unable to think any other way. This is when we see people in their later years no more mature than they were when they were younger bullies. These grown up bullies never confessed anything therefore nothing in them changed.
In the case of "just forgive them" the bully never learns his tactics don't work because they do work for him, and the forgiver does not grow either. The forgiver is continually sweeping things under the rug to be ignored with the pretense that something was resolved when no one change at all.
We must confess to be cleansed and changed. 1 John 1:9
"9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
The grown up bully has been practicing all their lives how to lie their way our of things, manipulate the perceptions of others and intimidate anyone who dared to call them out on their behavior.
These bullies have a very deeply ingrained bad habit that they don't even think about. They forget what they do because it isn't important to them. Hurting others is merely a means to the end, that is making them stronger and superior to others, at least in their own minds.
The weakest people on the face of the earth are the bullies. They cannot feel adequate or confident within themselves. They must bring someone else down to lift themselves up. The entire existence is based on who is lower than they.
When we are mature, confident and dependent on Christ we have no need to feel superior to anyone else. Perhaps its because we see all people as sinners in need of a Savior. No one is good enough for anything. No man or woman is special, only Christ is special.
We love people because Christ loved them, but they never are on a throne above God. This allows us to be completely honest and open, no need for boasting except of the Lord.
There are two kinds of shame, the shame that others heap on us when we are a scapegoat and the shame others bring upon themselves for the wicked behavior of a lifetime.
The greatest blessing we can bring to a bully is to speak the truth, refuse to forgive until they are broken and watch God work. It is lack of faith to believe we will become bitter simply because we expect a bully to repent. It is not bitterness it is obedience to God.
Isaiah 26:10-11 "10 Though grace is shown to the wicked man, he does not learn righteousness. In the land of righteousness he acts unjustly and fails to see the majesty of the LORD. 11 O LORD, Your hand is upraised, but they do not see it. They will see Your zeal for Your people, and be put to shame. The fire set for Your enemies will consume them!…"
Jeremiah 8:9
"The wise will be put to shame; they will be dismayed and snared. They have rejected the word of the LORD, so what wisdom do they really have?"
Proverbs 15:18
"18 A hot-tempered man stirs up strife,
But the slow to anger calms a dispute."
Sometimes the strife a hot tempered man stirs up is strife in his own heart.
If we love people we speak truth and only forgive when there is repentance.
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