The narcissist counts himself as honest in their own mind, but it amounts to just their own opinion. These kinds of people excuse rudeness by labeling it "honesty."
A sister in law laughed at a woman's hair one time, the whole room laughed with her and in an attempt to defend her rudeness the others in the room foolishly said; "its good to laugh."
Being someone who thinks deeply the target woman wondered "didn't it matter what we are laughing at or who we are laughing with?"
Can you imagine a house full of narcissists who believe its alright and good to mock someone over their style of hair? If there had been a constant loving relationship with these people the target would have laughed with them, but since the relationships with this family were strained all the time in the past it is safe to say the joke was meant to demean.
No one ever apologized to the target for their rudeness, in fact, they actually thought it was justified in some way. After all, because the target was not in style with them, they were clearly justified in mocking those who don't do things the way the crowd does them. Groupthink and family mobbings are two words that come to mind in these encounters.
Superficiality is paramount to narcissists, the silliest and smallest matters are judged constantly. They spend more time on the insignificant matters than they do on anything important. They love to judge others as bad because it relieves their own conscience, they know they are sinning but refuse to admit it even to themselves.
They have little to no depth to their personality or character. The target's family was full of people like this, it's the reason she drew back to live out her life with kind loving people who never do mean things.
With kind people, we are allowed to be who we are without demeaning. We can express ourselves and still be loved and accepted. When I say "loved and accepted" I do not mean acceptance of sin, but appreciated for those things about us that might be different but are not sin.
Kind people don't do mean things because it is not in their character. When the narcissist is mean, manipulative and demeaning its because it is their basic character.
Romans 12:19
"Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
The narcissist loves nothing better for us to respond in kind to their meanness, that is to respond in anger, a sort of revenge for their tactics. God clearly tells us not to become like those who are unruly.
Proverbs 6:16-19
"There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers."
Titus 1:16
"They profess to know God, but they deny him by their works. They are detestable, disobedient, unfit for any good work."
Psalm 1:1
"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or set foot on the path of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers."
Proverbs 13:20
"He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed."
2 Thessalonians 3:2
"And that we may be delivered from wicked and evil men. For not all have faith."
When we respond the way the narcissist hopes we will we have been caught in their trap. When we do not respond to evil against us then we are the ones in control of our responses through the power of the Holy Spirit. God sees it all and will take care of it for us.
James 1:19-20
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."
Because there is evil in the heart of the narcissist's they wish for us to be evil like them. A sort of perverted "see you do it too" mentality that somehow absolves them from guilt over doing evil because of the angry response of the target.
Do not respond in anger, in fact do not respond at all. Leave the foolishness of the narcissist to be the last thing they see.
Proverbs 26:4-5
"4 Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Or you will also be like him.
5 Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
That he not be wise in his own eyes."
These verses in Proverbs seem to be contradictory, but they are not. God says not to answer a fool according to their folly, in other words when they speak foolishness to draw us into an argument, ignore it, do not speak about the foolishness that emerged from their lips. Remain on the topic or graciously excuse yourself.
When God said; "answer a fool according to his folly, it appears to mean that the only way to answer a fool is not at all. Their foolishness does not deserve an answer.
The fool might be able to gain some wisdom from our silence. It is an uncomfortable situation for a fool to be ignored, they prefer conflict.
Proverbs 18:6
A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes.
Proverbs 21:24
"Proud and haughty scorner is his name, who dealeth in proud wrath."
When we ignore them they see that their tactic did not work and may not use it with us again. It won't stop them from using it with others who are sucked into their nonsense but we can walk away with a clear conscience while leaving it all in God's hands.
The fool senses control over others when they can engage them in an argument even if it is over nothing important. However, they hate the feeling they have when someone will not bow to them by refusing to engage in their nonsense.
The devil (fool) will flee when he sees he has no power over the born again believer.
Proverbs 28:1
"1The wicked flee when no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion."
Our confidence in the Lord allows us to be bold without needing to answer everything.
Proverbs 10:14
"14 Wise men store up knowledge,
But with the mouth of the foolish, ruin is at hand."
Amos 5:13
"Therefore at such a time the prudent person keeps silent, for it is an evil time."
When we are driven to answer a fool that leads to a fight, then perhaps God has more work in us removing pride.
When we are humble we have no sense that we must make sure the fool gets his beat-down. If we have faith we can believe that God will fight our battles for us.
There are times when we speak the truth and boldly, however, there are also times when the Holy Spirit compels us not to speak or respond in any way.
Bottom Line: Be led by the Holy Spirit and be humble enough to be satisfied not having the last word.
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