When we are friends with someone there is mutual caring and interest. If the interest is one-sided and even disinterest, this is a clue there is no friendship. I have met many people who are interested in us as long as we are paying them compliments or elevating them in some way. They rarely engage when we have something to share that brings us joy or even a trial we are going through.
When we find ourselves approaching a friend all the time but they are not reciprocating then you may have an acquaintance and not a friendship.
Friends seek one another out, both do it, not only one all the time. In the past when I found myself the one always doing the calling or visits while the friend never did this, I would begin to realize the person was being polite but not really interested in a friendship.
Narcissists will not reciprocate, they will expect us to be the ones to always initiate contact and show caring but they will never or rarely do any of this for their "friend." If you find yourself always being the one to initiate contact and never having it returned then you may rethink that friendship. Not that you throw away the person but that it may not be the friendship you thought it was. Place them aside as an acquaintance that you treat respectfully but is not a close friend.
Rather than being disappointed that the narcissist does not seek you out except when they want something from you, this is the time to withdraw and find a new friend. Many people are like this so it is good to pray before jumping into a relationship quickly.
Born again believers want to be good friends, this is rare even in the church. We are living in a culture in which people want to surround themselves with those who will make them happy or give them good things, even if only lots of positive attention.
When a friend is having a trial or even a great joy that they wish to share, the narcissist will negate the joy in some way or become jealous that you have joy. If you are in a trial the narcissist disappears or pretends it's not really a trial.
When we find ourselves not able to share our life experiences with a friend because of disinterest or jealousy then we know that person is not our friend and never has been one. When we are ill and the friend does not show up or call to express concern we know this is not our friend.
As born-again believers we have a desire to be a good friend, sharing in the joys and trials of others. My husband always says: "a joy shared is double the joy and a problem shared is half a problem." This is what friendship is all about, sharing life with someone, all the stuff that happens to our friend.
Proverbs 18:24
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
John 15:12-13
"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends."
When God says a friend lays down their life for their friends it is not necessarily dying for them. When we lay down our lives for our friends we are willing to be interrupted to hear their joy or problem. When we are good friends we love to share about our lives too with our friends.
Narcissists often withhold things about themselves because they want only one side to be seen, that is the perfect side with all its fun and happiness. They are not authentic in their sharing.
We are never inconvenienced when a friend calls to share something whether it be joy or difficulties. We want to hear and we want to share from God's Word. I see very little of this in the church today. Most people do not want to be bothered except and unless it becomes about them.
I really hate the testimonies on the news when someone is asked why they did a good deed and their answer is something like this: "I love to do good deeds because they make ME feel so good." OOPS!!! This person was too ignorant to realize their good deeds were all about their own feelings.
What should a born-again believer say if asked this same question: "someone needed something, I wanted to help them." This is an expression of love for them, nothing about accolades for me.
Perhaps you have some other ways you would express it if the media were to ask you why you did a good deed.
When we find ourselves always making contact a good test of the friendship might be to stop making contact. If you are truly friends, the friend will contact you when you have stopped doing it.
When we love people we are concerned about them, we love to hear what is going on in their lives and we love to respond to them.
Narcissists will often neglect to respond because they are more about control than they are anything else. We do not have to be controlled by the narcissist's back and forth manipulation, we can ignore them and carry on to make meaningful relationships with those who really do care, as we act like caring and loving friends ourselves.
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