Have you ever met a daydreamer, someone who always seemed far off even when they were with you, as though they were living a different life in a different place in their own mind?
A daughter who was in continual turmoil in a dysfunctional angry family environment shared her story. There was always comfort and love there in her mind, something that she did not experience in her years with a narcissistic family. The people in her family didn't understand her aloofness but didn't care enough to find out what she was thinking. Except for one time when her mother asked her what was going on in her head. Being naive and hopeful she told her mother things about what she was thinking.
She expressed to her mother that she wanted to grow up and have a family that cared about one another and didn't fight bitterly with one another. She cried as she was sharing because of the deep hurt in her heart overall she endured with this family.
The daughter was sorry she had shared these things with her mother. The request to know what was in her daughter's mind was not genuine, it was to gather information to use against her. The daughter knew this because of the mother's answer to her daughter after sharing her deepest thoughts believing her mother really wanted to know.
It was my guess that the mother knew her daughter was hurting because of the hate and meanness the mother and father were displaying to one another and became angry at the "accusation" that something was wrong in the family.
Truth-tellers are always the scapegoats, rather than admitting things were not right the narcissists lash out at the scapegoat making them believe they are the problem by pointing out the hurt the narcissist causes.
The daughter's mother told her it was silly to expect to have an "Ozzie and Harriet" family. Those kinds of families didn't exist and she was being foolish in wanting this for herself. The mother gave this instruction to the daughter in a demeaning way to justify the fighting between the father and mother.
The mother saw her daughter withdrawing frequently to her room to read or take naps, she wanted to know her daughter's thoughts but not to help her only to further demean her if she dared to tell the truth about what was hurting her.
Never at any time did the mother pray with her, or encourage her to desire this good thing of a stable loving family life. Even though the mother attended church every week for most of her life she did not understand basic kindness even lacking all the fruit of the Spirit. She didn't really want to help her daughter, she wanted to appear superior to her using the daughter's hurts and desires against her as though the daughter was wrong for wanting what her mother and father could not give her.
The daughter became a wild child looking for love from others but staunch about remaining a virgin until she was married. The daughter could not remember a time when she was encouraged and smiled at by her parents for her accomplishments or desires for good things.
The mother even allowed her daughter to date at age 14 declaring that she would be pregnant by the time she was 16. The daughter was not engaging in immoral activity but the mother acted as though she wanted her daughter to fail by suggesting something that was not true.
The daughter continued her daydreaming until she was able to leave home and became a born-again believer in Jesus Christ. Over the years it was He Who delivered her from her daydreams because He became all she needed.
There is a lot more to the story but one thing the daughter learned was that when a narcissist is the head of a family or in her case the mother played the role as the head, all the other people in the family fall in line to treat the scapegoat the same way the mother did. As the years go by the mother influences the grandchildren and even attempts to influence everyone else in the extended family to think something is wrong with the daughter.
The rescuer came along and pulled the daughter out of the morass of devilsh attacks, that Rescuer was Jesus Christ. She was not immediately removed from difficulties or the influence of ungodly people but Christ became her strength through it. He gave her confidence that she could walk with Him through the flames and not be burned. Her struggles became challenges to grow and learn greater lessons that saved her from insanity.
The more this daughter relied on Christ the less she relied on herself, her daydreams, family, or anyone else. She became content to walk alone without the encouragement of anyone else except Christ.
Brothers and sisters, everyone who is born again must learn this lesson, that is to remain faithful to their commitment to Christ even when no one goes with them.
Psalm 62:5-12
"5 My soul, wait in silence for God alone,
For my hope is from Him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
My refuge; I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my glory rest on God;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your hearts before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah"
You can love those who have harmed you and are not sorry, but you are not required to keep company with them. If they show up at your door you can treat them with the respect they never showed you. The stronger person is the one who never acts in kind out of pride. We have no need of human acceptance or to elevate ourselves therefore we are free to be Christlike in spite of what others do. When we do not need the acceptance of others we never need to respond in any conversation to win over anyone else.
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