No matter what you say or do, the narcissist will make it sound like you are the problem.
This was a common occurrence with my elder brother. When I was a child he would poke, poke and poke at me until I exploded in frustration, telling him to stop, and then he would say; "see how you are." He then would make his abuse look like my fault by calling me "too sensitive." His tactics have become much more subtle because I don't have to put up with it as an adult, but he has not changed and raged at me on the phone a few years ago when I told him what he had done. SADLY, this brother claims to be a Christian.
The constant picking and poking never stops with the narcissist, they are careful not to allow others to see their covert meanness, but they cannot help themselves, every encounter with them is another opportunity to demean and mock.
The raging back when confronted about hurting someone is the biggest clue of all. The narcissist cannot stand to be told they were wrong about anything, the reason for the rage when confronted about their sin. Even when we are just trying to help with information about their actions, they see this as instruction from one they see as beneath them.
When a humble person is told they hurt someone's feelings they feel badly and apologize immediately, because they cannot stand the thought of hurting someone else.
It isn't bad enough that the narcissist continues his tactics year after year no matter how old he/she becomes, he must turn others against his target. Gossip disguised as concern is the favored tactic of the "Christian" narcissist. Extended family will be the flying monkeys of the narcissist, working to turn other family members against the target is the highest goal of the narcissist.
These people cannot be reasoned with, there is no fix to resolve anything to be able to have a relationship with them. There are only two options with a narcissist, that is to put up with their nonsense, feeling a sense of frustration every time you have to encounter them or avoid them entirely. These people fit into the 2 Timothy 3:1-5 category, lacking empathy and kindness, their only goal is to be superior everyone else. The way they accomplish this in their own mind is to continually demean certain people they think are beneath them and who have no defenses against them.
The humble person who has empathy and love would never do the kinds of things narcissists do, they are hard wired by Christ, mean tactics don't even come to mind for those who love Christ.
Loving, kind people hate to hurt anyone, if they do it unintentionally and it is brought to their attention, they feel terrible and make amends immediately.
The prideful narcissist will rage and accuse when told to stop their hateful actions or attitudes, while the humble person will not do the hurtful things in the first place. If they do something that was perceived as an injury, they will quickly comfort the one who was hurt and mend the relationship.
Narcissist do not want to mend a relationship, they only want to dominate it. There is no give and take, there is only take for the narcissist, however the taking is not enough they must squash anyone who do not elevate them as special.
God clearly stated in His Word that it is not possible to have peace with the narc in 2 Timothy 3, the only recourse is to avoid them. If we have to encounter them we can ignore their foolishness and exit as quickly as possible, there is no reasoning with them.
This evil of narcissistic behavior has been around since the beginning, but I do think that it is growing. We saw it with Cain and Able, with David and his own son Absalom who wanted to kill his own father, there are many examples in the Word of family members who hated other family members out of jealousy, even wanting them to be dead.
Those who walk in darkness as narcissists do, cannot stand to admit the good that their target does, they will work to make it appear as though the good we have done was actually bad.
Revelation 12:10 "10 And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying: “Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of His Christ. For the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, he who accuses them day and night before our God."
We can conclude from the Revelation passage that the narcissist is merely a pawn in the hands of the devil. The devil twists minds and manipulates people who have no defenses against him.
The Jewish leaders and the Romans hated Christ this way. Christ did nothing but good while on this earth and the response of these jealous and narcissistic types was to kill Him.
Evil hates righteousness, even working to accuse those who are walking uprightly.
John 3:19-21 "…19 And this is the verdict: The Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness more than light, because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come into the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever practices the truth comes into the Light, so that it may be clearly seen that what he has done has been accomplished in God.”…"
When we see someone who calls themselves a Christian and will not listen to correction or a rebuke, then we are to avoid them according to God's word.
Matthew 18:17 "17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, regard him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."
When we encounter unbelievers who reject the message of salvation, then we are to walk away shaking the dust from our feat as a testimony against them.
Matthew 10:14-15 "14 And if anyone will not welcome you or heed your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town. 15 Truly I tell you, it will be more bearable for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town.…"
God says we can pray as led by the Holy Spirit to pray for those who spitefully use us but no where in the Word does He say we must remain in their company as our constant companions. We are to live in peace, avoiding trouble makers if possible.
If we train ourselves in the Word of God and learn the tactics of the devil, we are more likely to be able to handle the wicked man when he crosses our path. One very important rule of thumb is to resist doing any revenge, leave that to God and do not respond to their foolishness. To respond to the narcissist is food for them. And, most of all, do not allow them to effect your walk with Christ or your responses.
Matthew 7:6-7 " 6 Do not give dogs what is holy; do not throw your pearls before swine. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces. 7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.…"
We are living in boot camp, what we learn will glorify God and grow us in holiness. Do not feel badly that you had to endure the narcissist, it teaches us things we would not have learned had we not encountered them. Once the lesson is learned, then walk away a little wiser than before.
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