The tactics used that might work on the narcissist short term is nothing more than manipulation, it does not change their heart.
A narcissist can change their behavior temporarily and proclaim loudly that they have changed, but its an illusion and manipulation.
It is the heart that determines how people act.
Jeremiah 17:9-10
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”
It is the heart that determines the authentic words and actions. No one can permanently act and speak differently from their heart. One can play act for a time but the slightest heat will cause the marshmello to melt down.
2 Corinthians 5:17
17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, [a]he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
We can get people to act certain ways with manipulation but it won't last because its not based on a heart change.
As soon as we would stop manipulating they would stop acting nicely. The heart can only be changed by Christ, if they become born again they will think differently causing them to act differently.
The way we think determines the way we act.
If someone has contempt for us on any level they can fool us for a time, but eventually their intent will be exposed when they can no longer keep up the pretense.
A heart that has been changed by Christ is permanent, therefore it will not be a mirage, it is substance, the evidence of this is a sustained difference in the way the former narcissist reacts to conversations and their actions.
The narcissist can manipulate to gain back our confidence, but it won't be very long before their old tactics will emerge again.
A good example of this is when I received an apology from a narcissist. The narcissist was angry at me for something, but I never knew why. He raged at me for an innocent comment that he disagreed with. I politely removed myself and went home. He was attempting to draw me into a fight, but I wouldn't play.
A year later this narcissist texted me inviting me to another gathering, I politely declined. A few hours after I declined I received another text message from him apologizing that he had been a little harsh with me a year ago.
I forgave him, the next text I received was a dirty joke. I had a couple of questions; the first question was why was he apologizing a year later when I had declined to come to the next gathering? The second question was; did he know all along that he had harmed me but thought he could get away with it? I had never mentioned to him the offense because I had dealt with him before and he didn't take well any discussion that would expose him.
This narcissist realized I might be turning him down because of his rage a year ago. Why didn't he contact me the next day or week after having time to think about his rage? Why wait an entire year until I turned him down on the next event?
The dirty joke to my phone was a clue that this person was still treating me with disrespect. This person claims to be a Christian but has no qualms about sending a dirty joke after apologizing for his rude behavior a year earlier. He should have known me well enough to know that a dirty joke would be offensive to me.
I suggest that the one who rages, apologizes and then sends a dirty joke has no inkling about the nature of respect.
It is not likely that I would be interested in any of this narcissists friends since they would be flying monkeys who approve of his behavior. The thought of attending a gathering with him again was distasteful at best.
Thankfully we can choose our friends. We have no obligation to be friends or spend time with those who do not share our values.
In this region of the country and among certain people there is no understanding of what respect looks like. Having grown up in a family that manipulated, gaslighted, demeaned and mocked me all my life. I know what disrespect looks like. I also know that these people knew what they did was bad because they hid it from others outside the family.
"Family Mobbings" are common these days. Our best course of action is to learn from God's Word our responses and remove ourselves from those who refuse to learn the wisdom of God.
Rudeness is not cute or funny, its deplorable. It is never funny to demean another person so others in the room can laugh at them. There are those who will demean another person and claim it was a joke. When they do this, the simple answer is, "no its not a joke." Crude jokes often reveals the heart of the one who tells them.
Don't buy into the lies that the tactics of the narcissist are benign, they are orchestrated by the devil and do much damage.
There is friendly teasing that is harmless, but this is not the same as a demeaning joke that elevates a narcissist above others. We know which is which.
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