Hi Celeste, this is an interesting subject, almost all the people I meet believe that we should forgive when someone is not repentant. Most people don't realize that this teaching came from psychology and not from God's Word.
There are no verses in the Bible that teach we are to forgive for our own sake. Forgiveness is always for the reconciling of a relationship after a wrong. Relationships cannot be reconciled when only one party is unwilling to do what is needed.
James 5:16 "16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."
Of course the passage in James is speaking about believers one to another, however if we look at God's standard for unbelievers we see that He does not forgive those who are not broken over their sin enough to confess to Him their need for cleansing.
1 John 1:9 - IF we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
God said we are to forgive AS He forgives, Christ never forgives the sins of rebellious hearts, they will not be born again unless they repent (change their mind to be broken over their sin). The purpose for repenting and confessing is to reconcile the relationship between God and man.
As for the idea that we are not forgiven if we do not forgive, that is true, God said it, however we are to forgive the WAY Christ did.
Luke 17:4 ""And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him."
Notice the person being forgiven is coming to ask for it in Luke 17.
We are to be ready and willing to forgive even praying for the repentance of those who have sinned, but we cannot pass out that forgiveness until there is brokenness. As believers we should always have a forgiving heart ready to forgive.
In the case of the church shooting, the people of the church have a desire to forgive, they want to love God's way and that is good, but they misunderstand the purpose and meaning of forgiveness.
When someone is not sorry, they will not change their ways and they have no remorse, they will not be forgiven by God. Are we greater than God that we should forgive when God does not.
When someone is broken over sin then they are ready to be changed by Christ, when they are sorrowful over their sin then they are ready to resume with those offended in a whole different way. The relationship can only be restored if both parties do their part. And, relationships cannot remain as they are in their sinfulness, there must be a new way of relating to one another that turns from that sin. I do not trust anyone who sins continually to be any different with me than there were in the past, the absence of remorse shows me they will repeat the same sin over and over again.
When we forgive before someone is repentant we shortcut God's purpose, that is to be broken over sin for a changed heart. Forgiveness without repentance does nothing, it flies into the air and goes no where, the broken relationship is not restored and the person who sinned is not changed.
The scripture does not say that when we cannot forgive because of unrepentance, it is automatically a given that we become bitter. The root of bitterness comes when someone is repentant and we refuse to forgive.
The true believer always desires to forgive whether or not they can pass that forgiveness to someone. We pray for our persecutors, we may even go and visit them in jail to bring the gospel, but we do not forgive until they show signs of remorse, and when it is real it will come out in words.
Our culture has a perverted view of forgiveness, everyone expects to be forgiven no matter how evil they act, some even manipulate others by saying "you have to forgive me", when there has been no sign of sorrow over sin. My answer to those people is, "no I don't have to forgive you until you are sorry about your sin."
Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise."
Our culture has become arrogant and self righteous because they believe that forgiveness is automatic no matter what the offense or if there is sorrow over it. Criminals will cry crocodile tears when told they are forgiven by the victim, causing the forgiver to think they are repentant, and then go and repeat the same crime on someone else. I have seen this for myself.
This modern view of forgiveness has caused unbelievers and even believer to think that they don't have to repent to be saved. They think they can live like the devil, call themselves a good person and God will still take them into heaven, without brokenness, and without remorse over the evil that they do.
We forgive others for their sake when they are repentant, not for our sake to make ourselves feel better.
Bitterness does not automatically come just because we follow God's standard of forgiveness, forgiving only when someone is sorry. The world has perverted the view of forgiveness to allow anyone to sin all they want without accountability.
In 2 Timothy 3:1-7 God clearly tells us to stay away from unrepentant wicked people.
1 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.
2 For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy,
3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,
4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these.
6 For among them are those who [c]enter into households and captivate [d]weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses,
7. always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
Take special note of verse 5 in 2 Timothy 3.
In the case of the shooter, if that were my church I would encourage everyone to visit the perp in the jail, bringing a message of salvation along with a plate of cookies. I would bless him with kindness, but I would not forgive him until he repented. He murdered several people, to forgive him before repentance is to dishonor the dead that he brutally killed and subvert justice. The purpose of the visit and cookies is to show him, "we offer you salvation with God's kind of love, and He will forgive you when you repent. We want you to become saved from your sin and hell." We must never send the message to the shooter that he is forgiven by God when he is not sorry.
We short cut God's ways by making people feel better about themselves before they are broken, solidifying their high opinion of themselves. WE never do harm or revenge to others, but we keep our forgiveness to ourselves until there is genuine sorrow over an offence. If our offender is wounded lying in a ditch as in the story of the good Samaritan, then we help our enemy, but we do not become their friend.
We need to stop doing everything "for ourselves" and begin doing things that benefit the sinner long term. We also need to evaluate everything we learned from the culture and psychology, those who do will find that many things we were taught are patently wrong and even damaging to those we say we love.
Love goes beyond feelings, it demonstrates a willingness to be reject by someone, holding out for the best, long term result God's Way!
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