Favoritism Is Not Love

Ways a parent develops parental favoritism in their children.

Why do I write about these difficulties in raising children? The answer is twofold; first I write about these things to help those who have been victims to relieve them of the baggage of guilt that comes with wondering why they were the target of such hate and meanness. The second reason is to warn those who are indulgent parents, the favored ones, who need to repent and begin to obey God.

God gave us clear guidelines in the Word on parenting. Men are told to lead their family in godliness, love their wives as they love their own bodies and to train up their children in the ways of the Lord. These principles are the most neglected principles in families today. Children and wives are being neglected in these matters of spiritual help from husbands. Often when the wives attempt to bring spirituality and godly standards into the family, they are met with severe resistance from the one who is supposed to be the leader. How can a wife and family follow, when the leader will not lead.

How can a man lead in spiritual matters when the wife has no interest in them? Yes, it goes both ways! The answer is clear, men and women alike must desire the pure Word of God, to not only know it, but to actually follow it.

Acting in ways that diminish the importance of the other spouse, for instance, negating the authority by undermining the dictates of the target parent is causing bitterness in children.

Example: The target parent is concerned about a particular movie the child wants to see, thinking it is not appropriate for the child. The indulgent parent, in front of the child, argues to allow the child to see it instead of discussing the matter and coming to a mutual decision, the indulgent parent treats the target parent as though they have been mean or wrong, allowing the child to feel more connected to the indulgent parent who gives them what they want, rather than what is good for them.

These tactics can be very covert, mean looks at the undesirable parent on the part of the indulgent parent, while using language that defends what the child wants, all done in front of the child.

These tactics can take the form of the indulgent parent always playing with the children while the undesirable parent is stuck with all the discipline and making of and enforcing the rules of the household. The indulgent parent rarely makes rules, and often negates and ignores the rules set down by the undesirable parent.

This can take the form of discouraging discussion about matters in the household when the undesirable parent desires to communicate about something and the favored parent will not engage in reasonable discussion to resolve family issues. In fact the undesirable parent is blamed for “causing trouble” for having rules and restriction and sticking to them.

This can take the form of the favored parent minimizing the importance of the other parent, showing no interest in the desires of the target parent, causing the children to have no interest in them either.

In order to continue to feel connected to the favored parent, the children see the disapproval of the favored parent for the target parent, and desire the approval of the favored parent, in deference to him/her, they will join in the disapproval of the target parent, negating their instruction, using covert disobedience to show hatred toward that undesirable parent, often obeying while developing a bitterness toward the target parent. The obedience is often incomplete and done with malice.

The favored parent does not actually have to express openly that the target parent is dangerous, all they have to do is act in disapproving ways to show their disdain for the target parent, leaving a deeply sensed dismissiveness of the target parents actions and words. There is a strong sense of discord that is fostered in the family because one parent has been devalued by the favored parent.


Another covert way of demeaning and dismissing the authority of the target parent is to go along with the target parent, using couching language such as “your mother says you can’t go”, to appear to go along, while at the same time showing the children the favored parent is supporting the rebellion of the children over the rules and desires of the target parent. It is one of the more obvious ways of feigning support while undermining authority. It is a tactic to maintain the position of favored parent while appearing to go along with the target parent.

Covert ways of communicating that a target parent doesn’t love the children is for the favored parent to give the children what they want, while subtly fighting against the target parent. This sends the message to the children that the target parent doesn’t love them because they make rules and have standards. The fact is that the target parent is the one who loves them, cares deeply about their emotional and spiritual growth, while the favored parent only cares about being loved by their children for giving the children their desires, whether or not it is good for them.

Another covert form of devaluing the target parent is to commiserate with the children when they complain about the target parents rules. Rather than supporting the target parent, the favored parent tells the children to obey to keep the target parent from getting mad. The conversation with the children is not about honoring and loving the target parent, but rather about keeping them from getting mad, leaving the child with the impression that they have to obey but they don’t have to love the target parent.

One way of doing this is to take the children away from an activity the target parent had planned, to engage them in the favored parents’ desires, when the target parent planned the activity before the favored parents plans. Favored parents often sabotage outings and fun times with target parents to make sure the favored parent is the one in control and in the lime light. The favored parent is usually the most aggressive at getting the attention away from the target parent to have all the attention of the children.

The favored parent often asks the children to keep secrets from the target parent, producing a special position between the favored parent, which cannot exist with the target parent. Keeping secrets is a form of devaluing the target parent. The favored parent often covertly intimates to the children that the undesirable parent is a trouble maker, rather than one that should be honored.

The favored parent, in the process of all this, is seen as the parent who can do no wrong, the one who loves them and the one who has done everything for them.

The fact is that the devalued parent often is the one who provided guidelines, rules and consequences for disobedience while caring deeply about the character growth of the children. The target parent often is the one much more involved in the lives of the children on a daily basis, seeing to their needs while attempting to teach and train them. The favored parent is permissive, indulgent and self-absorbed, having little concern about the overall spiritual, mental and character development of the children. There is little thought about the well-being for the long haul, on the part of the indulgent parent, it was all fun and games, approval of everything, even when some of those things would have been bad for the children overall.

It stands to reason that a child is more likely to accept and love the parent who brings them fun and happiness the way they want it. We see this same mentality in the church gatherings today, “give them what they want and they will like us.” We have male church leaders who are not only doing this in their families but they bring it to the church gatherings as well. These apostate preachers are using the same tactics in their churches, fostering an attitude in the gathering that if something isn't fun or happy, then it isn't worth doing and anyone who brings conviction or correction, is someone to be avoided.

Sadly, many children grow up knowing they don’t like the target parent, but have forgotten the reason they didn’t like them. They do not remember the sacrifices of the target parent, only that they were angry at the tension when they were not allowed to have their own way. Even the joyful times with the target parent are forgotten buried under all the emotional irrational false memories.

There is little left of reasonable and sacrificial concern about the well-being of children in our present culture. The order of the day is momentary happiness, personal fulfillment, very little concern about spiritual integrity or growth. The more we indulge in personal pleasure the less spiritual we become, leading to a lack of integrity. When life is filtered through the lens of “desire”, it cannot be honestly dealt with, nor can it be sacrificial, everything is evaluated on the basis of feelings and superficiality.

James 2:8-11 "8 If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right.
9 But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.
10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.
11 For he who said, “You shall not commit adultery,” also said, “You shall not murder.” If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker."

Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,"

1 Peter 3:1-12 "3 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives,
2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
3 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses;
4 but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.
5 For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands;
6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
7 You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
8 To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;
9 not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.
10 For, “The one who desires life, to love and see good days,
Must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit.
11 “He must turn away from evil and do good; He must seek peace and pursue it.
12 “For the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous,
And His ears attend to their prayer, But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

When parents work together to honor God, they will be able to raise respectful children who honor their parents, who value them, both of them equally. The best ally against outside attack are two parents who love and honor one another as Christ commanded.