No one should be tolerating abuse; this may mean separation for a time to protect herself and her family. However, let's take a look at the underlying cause of the problem.
The problem of the husband began when the woman did not choose a man wisely based on character. Every woman, if she is wise, will choose a man based on character qualities rather than physical attraction. People don't change very much, they just adjust their actions to accommodate the people they are with.
2 Corinthians 6:12-14 "14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership can righteousness have with wickedness? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?…"
This message is to believers and can be helpful to non-believers but doing what is helpful will not save them from hell, only trustin in Christ will do that. God was clear that we should be like-minded in our friendships and especially in our marriages.
When a woman marries a man who has a worldly and wicked attitude, she should expect problems in marriage. Yes, a man can hide the side of themselves that is rude and mean for a time, but eventually the anger in their heart will emerge if the woman gives him tests and challenges before they are married.
It is foolish not to be open and honest, and present challenges to be able to see what comes out of the person during these times. I am not talking about lying, manipulating or triggering, I am talking about full on honesty that promotes discussion about important matters.
The needy fear of losing someone who is paying attention to the woman is the stumbling block to missing the true character of the man. There are always clues that women ignore because they are so enamored with the attention and appearance of the man. The men (and women) know what to do that is good and right, but become lazy after marriage because they have reeled in their catch.
This also goes for men who are seeking wives. Both men and women should be assessing character qualities without regard to physical attraction or attention. Character does not change and is revealed eventually if one trains oneself to see the signs of anger or irritation about simple and minor provocations.
There are women who say, "he changed after we got married." This is not true; no one changes their character because they are in a new situation. When someone seems to have become a different person after marriage, they have only been hiding the real them, and no longer feel a need to hide.
The real self is the mean one that surfaces later; the phony self was the one that seemed so wonderful and perfect before there were any challenges.
Someone with authentically good character does not change with different circumstances. The one with good character becomes more loving and supportive when trials come, because it is their kind nature revealing itself.
Loving, kind people do not change; they are consistent and steady. They are the same with everyone; they never treat one person with contempt and another one with kindness, they treat everyone with kindness.
Bullies often fool people by being very kind and accommodating with those they wish to impress and mean and rude toward those for whom they lack respect. This is the biggest clue of all, bullies love dominating others, but know their limits, so they hide it from those whom they wish to think well of them.
What does this say about bullies? They know what they are doing, and it is a tactic to fool those they like and dominate those they don't like.
Proverbs 29:5:
"A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet,"
Proverbs 26:28:
"A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin,"
Romans 16:18
"18 For such people are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting."
Anyone who ruminates on superficiality, superiority, and boasting about oneself is attempting to trap their victim through deception. This happens all the time in dating situations. Presenting what they think is their best side, which is really not the real them, is a way of manipulating the perception of the one they desire to catch in their web.
Everyone has done this in dating, the very reason it is so dangerous to play this game of dating as though it were a means to a relationship. Dating is as superficial and phony as it gets, always based on pretending how good one is to impress the other.
Much miscommunication and even hiding go on in dating situations. Those who date ignore flaws or, worse, accept them as a fun way to be just to have the approval of the one they are with.
When a person bases their relationships on the Bible and is dedicated to waiting on God, they will have far fewer obstacles in marriage. Notice I said "fewer." There are always trials and hurdles because, without them, no one learns. Working out difficulties are the means to growing a quality and lasting marriage.
If one person is always giving up and the other always getting, this is a dysfunctional marriage based on a slave-master relationship.
God intended the man and woman to be life partners, each with different roles that enhance the life of the other. The man is not the master over the woman's role as a homemaker. God is her Master, and the woman is not master over the role of the man; God is his Master.
When each one seeks God, their talents and gifts will enhance one another. The man should not usurp the calling of homemaking of the wife, and the wife should not usurp the calling of the man. HOWEVER, they should each seek to improve and magnify the quality of one another's work. They each counsel one another as they discuss what is good for the whole family.
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When a woman learns the good ways of a man, she will be a better person, just as when the man learns the good ways of a woman, he will be a better person.
Genesis 2:18
"18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a HELPER suitable for him.”
The Hebrew word for helper is "ezer" meaning a strong, vital, and even rescuing force, often used to describe God's role as a protector and provider for his people. The woman is a complementary and equal partner with her husband.
The important thing to remember here in this matter of choosing a spouse is making sure the person we choose is dedicated to knowing the Bible and following it. Just knowing is not enough; Satan knows, but is on his way to hell. We must want to obey what God says in His Word.
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