There is a perverse directive I have heard over the years that is not only deeply damaging to the emotional well-being of a man or woman, invites demons into the house and demeans women, to such a degree that it has the potential of completely destroying a human being and a marriage.
That devastating teaching is the incorrect view that women are to obey their husbands in ALL things no matter how evil.
I have now heard of the teaching that if a woman’s husband asks her to do something evil, she is to obey him, doing the very thing he asks that is against God, in order to obey her husband’s desires. This is not only evil it is downright devilish.
God never intended that we obey our husband or any other authority when asked to engage in sin.
These wicked and perverse pastors have taught that if a woman is married to a husband who wants her to watch pornographic movies with him, she is rebellious and in disobedience if she does not do it.
Pornography is an abomination against God, we are to obey God whenever man asks us to do anything that comes against Christ.
Pornography is deeply damaging to a marriage, anyone who indulges in this evil is committing adultery. Any woman who watches it to please a husband is complicit in his sin.
Matthew 5:28 “but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
I was in a discussion with a young woman many years ago that made the argument, based on her husband’s mandate to her, that she should obey him no matter what he asks, even if what he asks her to do is sinful.
In her arrogance, she proclaimed loud and long that a woman is rebellious if she does not obey her husband in ALL things. Sometimes it is good to take a matter to its logical conclusion to see if an argument holds up. I asked this young woman if her husband came to her with a gun, commanding her to shoot her neighbor because he didn’t like the neighbor, would she do that to obey her husband. She remained silent, her pride would not allow her to admit that she could not go shoot the neighbor just because her husband wanted him dead.
Proverbs 29:5 “The fear of man brings a snare, But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted.”
Acts 5:29 “But Peter and the apostles answered, "We must obey God rather than men.”
It is clear in the Word that obedience is not something men force women to do, it is the woman’s choice and she does it based on his obedience to Christ. Husbands are not to bark orders at their wife as though they are a child or a slave, they are to request asking reasonable and godly things, leaving the choice to obey them up to the wife.
Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”
The command for wives to obey is given to the wives from God, it is not given to the husbands to make sure the wives do this. However it is much easier to submit to a kind, loving, respectful, selfless man when we see that he is deeply caring for us. Men often make it difficult to submit because of the display of contempt through unloving demanding without honor for their wives.
1 Peter 3:7 “You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
God commands a man to be loving toward and concerned about the welfare of his wife, if he is not his prayers are hindered.
Cults tend to be harsh and demeaning with women because they have devalued them to the point of animal servitude. Christ was the One who elevated women to a status of honor and respect.
When a man demeans, ignores and bosses his wife without concern for her as a person, he is showing contempt for her while teaching any children observing how they should treat not only her, but all women. Children learn more by example than they do by words. “More is caught than taught.”
There is no mandate anywhere in scripture that tells a man to intimidate, coerce, demean or manipulate his wife into obeying him. To do this would be evil on the part of the husband.
Ephesians 5:28 “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;”
Any man who cares more about getting his own way above honoring God and protecting, loving and enhancing the talents and abilities of his wife, is a wicked man, acting more like a spoiled brat having a tantrum, rather than a godly man deeply concerned about the welfare of his family.
I once heard a man say he wished he could have several wives. When asked why he wanted several wives, he responded by saying; “to serve me.” Not only was this man demeaning his own wife by this statement, suggesting that she was not enough for him, that she was not able to provide his every whim, but he was devaluing her through his own desire to have another one, so that he could pick and choose which one to like best. It is as though he was not satisfied with his lovely wife, he needed variety. This was a man who attended Bible College no less, I am interested in what that Bible College was teaching, either they were not teaching the Bible or he ignored their teaching, either way it made the college look bad.
When a man treats a woman like a piece of property, requiring her to sin to keep him happy, requesting things of her that he knows demolishes her tender conscience, showing his contempt for her, he is committing a grave sin against her and against God.
Any man who would ask a woman to violate her own tender conscience to please him, is a wicked man.
My warning to young women who have not yet married, is to test any young man who shows interest in you. Watch how he responds to your needs, is he grateful when you help him? Does this person require complete and unquestioning obedience to earn his love and attention? There are clues if we know what to look for, as to the character of a man, the clues are all in the Bible.
God called husbands to serve their wives, only cults teach that a woman is property to be used and abuse. Christ taught that a husband should lay down his life for his wife, as Christ did the church. The primary goal of a husband is to protect the wife, deeply concerned about her as a person.
When anyone enters a marriage for the sole purpose of what they will get out of it, we know we have met a selfish person. Notice so much of the verbiage these days, “I am so in love”, He makes me feel so good”, “She loves me so much.” All this language is based on how “I” feel around them, most of the time these expressions are nothing to do with character.
Things to watch out for might be, how the person reacts to disagreement, do they rage at the slightest hint of correction? Do they manipulate in anger or demean when you don’t do what they want the way they want it. Is there reciprocal love and kindness, not to regain control, but for no reason except to be loving.
Marriage is a bond that requires both parties to sacrifice their own desires for the sake of the other. We are all called to be servants. Any man or woman who is not willing to serve and enjoy doing it, is not worthy of marriage.
Both men and women need to stop choosing partners on the basis of their appearance and physical attraction, these things don’t go very far in a marriage. Those who spend most of their time “looking good” rather than seeking to please God, will destroy a marriage, but not only the marriage, they will ruin any children that come from that union.
Ladies, a man who will not lead you in the Lord, washing your soul with the Word and praying with you before marriage, will not do it after you are married. All the clues are there before marriage as to the qualification for a husband. Any woman who marries a man to change him into what she desires is an arrogant and deceitful woman. Any man who marries to have a servant to do his bidding, is arrogant and self-serving. These people will not make good spouses, they will stop at nothing to have their way, believing they have every right to abuse and demean anyone who will not please them in every desire.
A man or woman who would ask a potential spouse to do something wicked, is evil and not a good choice of a spouse no matter how good they look on the outside. The best looking person can appear ugly very fast when they treat their spouse like dirt under their feet. The not so good looking person who is loving, sweet and kind, will appear good looking, because we are seeing into the soul, the whole person not just the outer shell.
There are never regrets when we choose a spouse who deeply loves the Lord. There are things to be worked out because two different genders coming from different backgrounds and personalities will have to adjust, but the adjustment is easier when it is mutual. One can actually enjoy the differences when appreciating God’s design in the other person.
Those who can only love when we meet their idea of what we should be do not love at all. Those who appreciate us for who we are, enjoying that we are different and complimentary, will grow deeply in their love for us.
Please choose wisely when desiring to get married, it is a lifetime choice. Anything we see in our spouse before marriage that is a red flag will be magnified one hundred fold after marriage. Remember that in dating everyone is on their best behavior, hiding their real selves until there are some challenges that draw out what is real in their heart. It is our response to difficulties and disagreements that expose our true selves. God allows them in our lives to show us what is inside of us. The same is true before marriage, the attitudes of a person are revealed in the times of conflict. It is best to ask the right questions, stand for righteousness and require Biblical standards before marriage to discover the response of a potential spouse and above all, seek the Lord, he can give warning about things we could never see in someone. Listen to that still small voice that warns, it might save you a lifetime of misery.
James 5:16 “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”
Some principles to look for in a man to marry.
1 Timothy 5:8 “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Ephesians 5:21 “Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
1 John 4:19 “We love because he first loved us.”
This passage in 1 John is not emotional love based on infatuation, but first a deep love for God unto death, then that same kind of love for one another.
Ephesians 4:31 “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”
1 Corinthians 7:32-34 “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.”
How do we love?
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
“13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
The list of ways to love God's Way!
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love does not envy or boast
Love is not arrogant or rude
Love does not insist on it's own way
Love is not irritable or resentful
Love does not rejoice in wrong doing
Love rejoices in the truth
Love does not act childish and puts away childish things
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
