The Insult Sandwich

I love what Jefferson Fisher said when he described what he calls the "insult sandwich" when we have something difficult to tell someone, psychology says to compliment the person first that's the top piece of bread, then tell them the hard thing, which is the filling in the middle and the bottom piece of bread is more phony compliments.

As I was listening to this video, I remember hearing this method years ago, thinking it was silly. The reason it seemed silly to me was because it was disingenuous, meaning insincere and manipulative with flattery.

At the end of the sandwich, the person doesn't trust us because we used flattery and manipulation to soften the blow of the problem that needed to be discussed, but still had to address the ugly thing.

 
So much of psychology is focused on each person feeling good about themselves at the end of it, but they still end up having to deal with feelings of disappointment. The only person the insult sandwich helps is the one who has to deliver the sad news, feeling better about having to do it.

 
It is better to speak the truth up front and allow everyone to work through whatever feelings they are going to have. Life is hard, it is disappointing at times, but these difficulties are what make us into stronger people if we accept them and learn from them.

 
Honesty really is the best policy, and immediate honesty given in genuine love and concern without flattery, manipulation, or psychological tricks is the best way, it is God's way.

God is all about honesty without manipulation. Over the years, I learned that those who use flattery generously are those whom one cannot trust. They have a hard time speaking about difficult things, so they slather it in sugar to disguise the problem.

 
I remember the feeling many years ago of being with someone who was a continual flatterer; my sense at the end of the visit was to go home and take a shower to wash off all the honey.

 
Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another."

John 8:32 "And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free".

 
Zechariah 8:16 "These are the things you must do: Speak truth to one another, render true and sound judgments in your gates,"

Colossians 3:9 "Do not lie to one another, since you have taken off the old self with its practices,"

Proverbs 12:22 "Lying lips are detestable to the LORD, but those who deal faithfully are His delight."

1 Peter 3:10 "For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech."

Flattery is deceitful speech; this is what God says about it.

 
Proverbs 29:5 "A man that flattereth his neighbour spreadeth a net for his feet."

The purpose of flattery is to disarm someone to be able to more fully manipulate them.

 
Love does not flatter or manipulate; it speaks boldly with love and concern for the one to whom it speaks. Protecting oneself through manipulation does not help others; truth and honesty do.

 
Psalm 12:2 "They lie to one another; they speak with flattering lips and a double heart."

Psalm 55:21 "His speech is smooth as butter, but war is in his heart. His words are softer than oil, yet they are swords unsheathed."

Jeremiah 9:8 "Their tongues are deadly arrows; they speak deception. With his mouth a man speaks peace to his neighbor, but in his heart he sets a trap for him."

Honesty and integrity have been removed from our culture in favor of soft answers with deceitful expectations. In other words, when we use psychology in the "insult sandwich," we are more concerned about controlling the outcome through manipulation than we are about each person involved learning and growing as they work through a problem.

 
May the Bible be our guide and not the secular psychologists who have looked to faulty human wisdom to solve what only God can solve with real and lasting solutions from His Word.