When a young person is dating it is good to recognize a narcissist before getting trapped in their web of deception. The first thing to remember is that it is wise to know the Word of God well, using it as the bench mark for evaluating the relationship with another person.
Whenever we see arrogance or resistance to the Word of God, even rage when challenged to evaluate everything in terms of the word, we can be sure we are dealing with a pretender and mocker.
There cannot be enough warning about this matter of selfishness and phony spirituality in terms of anyone you might be considering for marriage.
Remember that the deception can be so cleaver that it can only be seen when we spend lots of time evaluating responses to many experiences and how it relates to the Biblical description of a believer who walks in the Holy Spirit.
It should be natural and without thinking to help another person in need. Someone who is selfless will not have to think about whether or not to help another person, nor will they have to be convinced to do it. A selfless person will jump right in without thinking, filling the need immediately. However a wise person will see signs of manipulation quickly and discern whether this person is really in need or having ulterior motives.
The depth of a person's Scriptural understanding will be evidence in their discernment. A discerning person may not know all the details but the Holy Spirit will warn them, that something is not right and they will go to prayer about it, for God to reveal the problem.
When we notice that someone we are dating is focused on pleasure and promotion of self through their responses to small things, we must then watch carefully for a time to discern their every day attitudes.
How does this person treat their own parents, how does this person respond to calamities in life, what is their response to criticism no matter how small? Defensiveness is a clue, rage is an even bigger clue. The selfish person will retaliate, often in covert ways others may not be able to see. The selfish person will not want to discuss important matters, they merely want hard things to go away without a hitch, leaving things unresolved. They are unwise because they believe difficult things will work themselves out.
When we see we have become a target for cruelty because of a challenge, we should have the good sense to run like a rabbit from the relationship.
If physical attraction or attention to us is driving our involvement with a person, then we are headed for disaster in our choice of a spouse. Selfish people can display intense interest in us while dating, even using flattery often to keep us interested, this is not an indication of whether or not they would make a loving wise spouse.
Proverbs 26:24-28 "Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart; when he speaks graciously, believe him not, for there are seven abominations in his heart; though his hatred be covered with deception, his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling. A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin. "
There is really no excuse for being caught in a marriage that is a disaster, except that we have followed our feelings while refusing to see the signs. Many people get caught in bad marriages because everything they think, is based on the attention and flattery they experience before the marriage.
Even associations in terms of friends and relatives ought to be based on a kinship in Christ, not blood, not flattery, not success or any other worldly trapping.
Proverbs 29:5 "A man that flattereth his neighbour spreadeth a net for his feet."
When we have a kinship in Christ, we ought to be able to express our viewpoints, even in disagreements without the other person demeaning, manipulating, mocking or raising their voice to intimidate. When we see these things happening, we know a truly godly relationships will be impossible.
Mutual respect for one another is demonstrated in a loving discussion based on coming to an agreement through Scripture. Those who have a desire to be elevated above us continually, will not stop in one discussion, they will make us a target for rejection and reputation destruction. Those who mock and demean others will not stop, they will diminish you about everything you do. Their goal is to make you feel as small as they can as often as they can, because they must conquer you to feel superior to you. They will not stop at just you, they will attempt to pull others into the mix, making you appear evil or crazy, no narcissist wants to be the only one who hates their target.
I sense that I cannot warn young people enough about this phenomena of narcissism that is growing in these end times. It is hard enough to keep a marriage together in these days when most people accept divorce and remarriage as natural and normal. When we know God teaches that marriage is until death, we must be wise in our choice. We cannot be wise when we don't know the Word of God and when we are overtaken by appearance and fleshly flattery.
Narcissists are often obsessed with physical appearance, evaluating success in terms of prestige in the community or wealth.
Marriage is far more than what we think we see in dating circumstances. Most people getting married today don't want the adult version of self sacrifice, mutual respect and honor. Most people getting married today want the child's version, the fun stuff not based on anything substantive or deeply worthwhile.
The bottom lines is this; unless the new marriages are based on the principles of Christ, knowing the Word intimately, character qualities outlined there, then the possibility of a marriage lasting is very slim in our present culture.
Deuteronomy 4:29 ""But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul."
Jeremiah 29:13 "13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. "
Do not go into dating or marriage thinking your good looks, money and flattery are going to make a good marriage, this thinking will ruin anyone who lives by it.
1 Chronicles 16:11
"Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually."
Evaluate, question and test, while watching the response to these tests on the part of the potential spouse. And most of all, seek God every day before marriage, never let emotions guide your thinking or decisions. God will warn those who want to hear from Him. Listen to the warnings, pray when not sure and obey when God says to evacuate! Lastly, be willing to wait on the Lord, when you wait on the Lord you will not be disappointed. It is better to be alone waiting on God with the potential of a lovely godly spouse, than it is to be stuck in a terrible marriage for the rest of your life, which is the expectation when we are believers. When we make those vows, it is done, God makes the two one and no man can undo that.
Matthew 19:4-6 "He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
A marriage guided by God will not be perfect, because we forget to consult Him, but it will be solid, things will become resolved and love will grow.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 "And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."
Ephesians 6:11 "Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil."
Amos 3:7 "“For the Lord God does nothing without revealing his secret to his servants the prophets."
Final note, never let anyone into your life after marriage that will attempt to divide the marriage. There will be people who think they know us, they think they know the depth of our relationships when they do not. They will sow seeds of distrust and dissention into the marriage to divide, often for the purpose of gaining the trust of one of the parties in the marriage to manipulate them. Get those people out of the relationship, they have the potential of causing great damage.
Romans 16:17-18 "17 Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. 18 For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple."
Each marriage must decide for themselves how they will live and what they believe about the Word of God. No one should be allowed to enter that relationship that will divide. There are those who believe everyone should think just like they do, if they do not think like they do, they begin their covert acts of manipulation to divide. God states that we should not allow divisive people in the church gathering, neither should we allow them in our marriages.
Proverbs 6:16-19 These six things the Lord hates,
Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
17 A proud look,
A lying tongue,
Hands that shed innocent blood,
18 A heart that devises wicked plans,
Feet that are swift in running to evil,
19 A false witness who speaks lies,
And ONE WHO SOWS DISCORD AMONG BRETHREN.
