My husband and I were having a conversation about the rebellious nature of our culture, the fact that most people in our children's generation have little, if any understanding about honor and respect.
Rodger had an experience as a child that he was pleased for me to share with all of you.
After we were married, my husband borrowed a rototiller from my father in law. He was very generous in allowing Rodger to use it, it was helpful in preparing for our garden. Rodger returned the tiller without bothering to clean it, leaving it full of dried mud.
Rodger's mother told him later that his father was angry that Rodger didn't bother to clean it. Rodger's response to this was shame that he had offended his father, the next time he borrowed it he returned it clean and shinny.
My husband's response to the rebuke was to be ashamed, apologize to his mother and never do that again. He recalls that he never went to his father to apologize, rather than facing his father he just changed what he did next time. Regretting that he had not spoken to his father, he later realized he should have spoken to him to show his honor and respect for his father's feelings.
The good news is that my husband felt shame and resolved never to dishonor his father in this way again, disregarding him by not taking care of the things he borrowed, was now unthinable to him.
The incident was a "spirit growing" experience. Had his mother not told him, he would have continued to disrespect his father through unconcern about protecting his possessions, showing ungratefulness and laziness in not caring for what belonged to his father.
The lesson here is simple, when we are challenged that we have disregarded others through lack of concern for them or their things, we are telling them we don't care about them.
Several years ago I felt the need to write three families on separate occasions in the hope that they would stop their disrespectful and rude behavior that I have been experiencing with them for my entire life.
I never confront someone on a one time offense over small matters, they are easily dismissed, knowing that perhaps someone is having a rough day and this is out of the norm for them, there must be something else bothering them.
However, when the offenses toward me have been continual over a period of many years, I feel led to address the problem through a letter to the offenders. The purpose of the letter is to tell them their offense, allowing them an opportunity to appreciate my feelings, while confessing and restoring the relationship. Without confession there can be no reconciliation, the offenses continue and pile up.
My letters were completely ignored by these arrogant family members while the offenses continued unabated. When I saw that there was not going to be any confession and sorrow over offending me, then is when I knew there would be no chance for a relationship.
When someone ignores a letter expressing frustration over an offense, we can know from that encounter that the people who have offended are not sorry, feel no shame and have no plan to stop their rudeness.
Matthew 18:15-16 "15 If your brother sins against you, go and confront him privately. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’…"
There are many of you here on facebook whom I believe would feel sad, ashamed and would quickly apologize if someone gave you a description of a particular offense against them. That is the way loving and empathetic people respond when they discover someone was hurt by them.
When there is no shame or sadness for offending and even worse behavior showing a vengeful attitude, then we know that nothing is going to change toward us.
It has been my experience in these sad situations of unrepentence, the offender not only doesn't stop their offenses, they merely become more clever at covert manipulation and intimidation, it's called "plausible deniability." In other words they become more subtle, meaner and more often than they were before, but covert enough that others don't notice, they can deny it and no one can prove it. They are sneakier about their revenge, while denying everything they are doing.
These attitudes are clear indicators that the heart has not grown softer because they have been confronted with the offense, no, instead their heart grows harder.
The more sin is denied, the harder the hearts become.
There are two ways unrepentant arrogant people respond, the first is to ignore our plea and the second is to rage at us for exposing the sin.
A humble, loving and empathetic person is ashamed and deeply sorry they have offended someone, desiring to quickly resolve it, while deciding never to do that same things again. A humble person grows in kindness and love because they have confronted their own sin through the knowledge of it.
Our culture discourages us from confronting those who offend us. We are told often to "just let it go", in doing this the offender becomes worse and the relationship is deeply damaged if not broken altogether.
God wants us to state openly the offenses, repent if needed and forgive those who are sorry, that the relationship would be restored. When offenders are not confronted and dealt with, they grow more mean and overt with their tactics.
We do not make someone rage by confronting their sin, the rage was already there, all we do is expose what is inside by calling them on their behavior.
God wants us to work things out, not to ignore them. Notice when we are in a group and someone is rude, the whole room ignores it, because they know if they call out the rude one, he/she will rage causing a bigger problem, so everyone remains silent.
What if everyone in the room who sees the evil behavior were to confront the offender together, he might consider his actions and perhaps modify them to fit those in the room. He realizes the group is not going to allow rudeness so he stops his behavior. It doesn't necessarily change his heart but there is a greater chance he will reflect on his actions and change.
When a rude person is allowed to be rude, they not only increase their rudeness but also influence others to be the same way. This is why we have an increase in rudeness in our culture today, far too often the crowd remains silent, one person confronts and the others in the room are embarrassed, even getting on the side of the offender, protecting him/her. The culture hates to be called out about their sinfulness, so they are more likely to defend the offender than the victim.
Galatians 5:9-10 "9 A little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough. 10 I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is troubling you will bear the judgment, whoever he may be.…"
If we love someone and wish to remain in a relationship with them, we must stop being cowardly and confront sin. I don't mean that we should march up to them in anger and spew out all kinds of hate.
Confronting someone in love includes asking them what they meant by their actions to understand them better as well as voicing the hurtfulness of their actions or attitudes. It also includes being specific, "here's what happened", "here's what hurt me."
When someone is non-specific in their apology, "will you forgive me for everything", chances are good they are not sorry, they merely want to make things better. When someone knows what they did and is ashamed they will be specific, "I have been disrespectful", "I took your coat without returning it."
The problem with most unresolvable offenses is that offenders do not love those they have harmed. If they did they would want to remove the hurt and cease the offenses.
James 5:16 "16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail."
Those who will not admit to their sin, remain in it, even if they never do it again, they have a past sin over their head that needs to be confessed. It is my humble opinion that one cannot change until confession occurs.
1 John 1:8-10 "…8 If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say we have not sinned, we make Him out to be a liar, and His word is not in us.…"
Blaming others for our sin is just another way of denying what we know to be true, that is..... we are the ones who have sinned and need to confess it. Blame shifting is common in our culture, mainly because few people will call others to account, every sin that is allowed to go unexposed, will grow. Not only, as a I stated before, that it grows in the sinner, but the sinner influences the same sin in others as well as an attitude of ignoring other sins.
Galatians 5:9-10 "9 A little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough. 10 I am confident in the Lord that you will take no other view. The one who is troubling you will bear the judgment, whoever he may be.…"
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