The Lord has been showing me many things over the past decades the nature and tactics of the narcissist, exactly how the devil would act if you could see Him using the narcissist.
It seems that narcissists will interpret our comments and actions in terms of what they would be thinking and feeling if they did the same thing.
They interpret our good deeds as manipulative because they would be manipulating if they did the same deeds. They interpret our mild and friendly corrections as attacks because if they were correcting us they would be attacking.
Another common aspect of narcissistic character is to cloak their personal attacks in joking language so as to make us look unhinged when we don't laugh.
I cannot tell you the number of times in my narcissistic family when someone joked about my weight, my hair, the ways I did things, even when nothing was wrong with any of it. You might say "well, maybe they were really joking", but you must understand that they never joked about themselves and the joking about me was to make me look inept in some way.
One can tell the difference between a friendly joke to tease and continual put-downs to demean. I enjoy those little jokes that kind-hearted people do when they are bonding with us. This is not the same as those mean-spirited attacks from narcissists to make us feel less than while at the same time hoping we will respond badly so they can call us the problem.
One way of demeaning a person covertly is to claim we are "too sensitive" when we act dismayed at the attack. A kind person would never joke in this way and they definitely would never say "YOUR too sensitive." The problem now becomes us who did nothing wrong making the rudeness of the narcissist seem right and reasonable and us as overreacting for merely not laughing.
A kind person would feel bad that they hurt someone else, rather than making you appear stupid for not appreciating their joke at your expense.
When a person demeans you and they are not only not sorry, they make you look foolish for not accepting their rudeness, we know their heart of deceit and an attitude of murder.
Yes, I said that, murder is at the root of all attacks upon ones character for no other reason than for the narcissist to be elevated above their target. The attitude of the narcissist is one of hatred, which God calls murder.
1 John 3:15 "Everyone who hates his brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life remaining in him."
We are seeing a rise in narcissism in our day when the attacker is protected and the victim is told to "suck it up" so as not to cause trouble.
I find it interesting that the one who was rude is protected because they are the hurting one, but the one who is attacked is supposed to feel sorry for the attacker. This all comes from the foolish psychological idea that "hurting people hurt people." This is backward and unbiblical.
Pressure is placed on the victim to forgive when the perp is not sorry, but no one places pressure on the perp to repent from his rudeness.
Satan loves that the victims of mean people are further abused by others for not putting up with abuse. He also loves that the abusers expect to automatically be forgiven, even justifying their deplorable attitude, a form of enabling, which further hardens the heart of the abuser. It is less likely that an abuser will repent when his actions have been accepted through silence.
It makes no biblical sense that anyone would comfort the abuser and pressure the victim to do and say nothing in defense of themselves.
Proverbs 27:5-6
"5 Better is open rebuke
Than love that is concealed.
6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But [a]deceitful are the kisses of an enemy."
Matthew 18:15 "If Your Brother Sins Against You
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."
If we love the narcissist we tell them the truth and give them the opportunity to repent.
If we love the victim we believe them, encourage them to focus on Christ Who is the healer. What we do not do is tell them they didn't see it correctly, or they should have been more forgiving. Those words are words of judgment about the situation we did not see for ourselves, we have no business assuming what could have been when we were not there to see it.
Far too many people evaluate the situations of others based on their own mindsets. They have not been through the same things so they assume no one else has gone through them either.
It is arrogance and desire at the root of the further abuse of victims through denial of what happened. To assume that someone was seeing the events wrongly and really should feel anything about it is nothing more than the enabler's desire to make the whole thing go away so they don't have to feel bad or do anything in support of the victim. Those who are enablers are lazy people, their own comfort and ease drive them to deny what they refuse to see.
The number one purpose of this article is to encourage the born-again believer who is a victim of narcissists to seek God's answers for their pain. When we cry out to Him, when there is no one else who sees or will believe us, then we can gain great peace from knowing how the narcissist operates and that we were not the problem as the narcissist so desperately needs us to believe.
The second reason for this article is to help those who have narcissistic tendencies to repent to be cleansed by God before they turn into malignant narcissists. If they do not repent they will become hardened of heart to the point of no return.
I have known people who had deeply narcissistic tendencies who became worse as they grew older. The more we resist correction from God the more we grow in wickedness.
One cannot grow or change until they can admit their flaws and repent to be cleansed. There is no reason to resist this repentance except pride preventing it.
The wonderful provision of God for mankind was so simple and such a blessing it is insanity to resist it.
1 John 1:9
"9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
All that this necessary for someone to be born again and cleansed from sin is to confess their sinfulness and ask God to change them into a new creation, this is the "believing" that occurs when we believe in what Christ did on that cross for us and desire for Him to change us He will do it.
Romans 10:9
"that if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
It is so easy, but impossible for anyone to hold onto their pride and rebellion when they trust in Christ.
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